Gay/Straight Ad Watch: WTF, FAO?

CLICK TO ENLARGE

Classy, Mr. Schwarz, very classy.

Took me a few moments to get this campaign... See, the kid in the red shirt has an official FAO teddy bear, so all of his rambunctious urges (even the hormonal ones) have been suppressed. Hmmm...

"Better rewards, better kid." That's the slogan. Why not just go with "everyone has their price," or, more succinctly, "rich kids are better than poor kids"? Sure. Because all the evidence proves that kids who have been rewarded/spoiled with toys are always the most enjoyable to be around, as are the parents who try hardest to buy their child's love with material things.

We'd never stand for a "Better rewards, better wives" campaign... so how is this OK? (Though I admit that those holiday-themed diamond ads which hint that buying the right bracelet just might get you laid are not the feminist ideal either.)

Obviously they are going for an old-school Goofus/Gallant vibe (including a "Highlights" reference). But does anyone else catch a whiff of a straight/gay dynamic here, or am I reaching? Bad, straight boys, bad!

--Straight Guy

Out of the Woods, Into a Show

Straight Guy,

This post has nothing to do with being gay or straight, I'm just reporting one of those small wonders we all stumble across.

Gorgeous weather yesterday, and so I took to the woods for what might be the last hike of the year for wearing just shorts and a t-shirt. I was coming off the trail with a purposeful pace as the light was beginning to fade. I made it to the edge of the woods just as twilight was starting.

Under a tree stood a guy with four or five Indian clubs, which he proceeded to juggle. And juggle quite well. He must have kept them in the air for 30 seconds or more. Maybe not circus-ready, but impressive.

I complimented him on his performance. Behind him were a young man and woman, the man slowly, shakily walking on a tight rope, a broad rubber band that they had strung a few feet off the ground between two trees.

I felt like I had stumbled out of a fairy tale by the Brothers Grimm. Woods and a mini-circus.

As you know, I don't like the circus. I always see that clowns are sad and desperate. That it's dirty and broken from all that travel. And that the animals are doped. In my elementary school, the 6th grade annual tradition was a field trip to the nearest real city for the circus. From the 4th grade, my classmates were excited; I was planning how to fake being sick that day. I don't remember anything about the circus, so I must have indeed gotten sick. (My mother can spot fake maladies a mile away, and would have shoved me onto the bus.)

Straight Guy and Readers, have you ever stumbled on to something a little other-wordly?

--Gay Guy

New Trunks for Your Junk

Gay Guy,

As a follow-up to your CK underwear post, let me inform you of the latest advance in male underwear technology. Taking genital support to a new level, the folks at Saxx (classy, dudes) have added a mesh containment unit -- a "hammock," if you will -- to their boxer style briefs. Imagine wearing a bra INSIDE your tighty-whities....

Sophisticated slogan: "Balls and legs need some time apart."

From their marketing copy: "Never restrictive... they offer support when needed and keep men cool..." Wow. Are they selling underwear, or the perfect girlfriend?

Saxx executives, if you're listening, we're willing to do a more detailed test and review, but at $25-$50 a pair, they better be good. This straight guy is pretty happy with his current $3-$5 product. Not sure what's going on elsewhere, but my thighs and my man-business are getting along just fine. No need to put either in a separate "time-out" right now.

Readers?

(Note to GG: Their 3D underwear videos will not be what you're hoping for. Sorry.)

--Straight Guy

Gay Guy/Straight Guy Dilemna: Underwear Ads Where You Least Expect 'Em

Straight Guy,

I want some straight guy perspective, so you're my first call.

My question is, how do straight men react to depictions of male sexuality?

Let me give you the specific example that sparks my question. I made it to the gym last night, and found that the locker room had been appointed with three or four posters. Ads, really. Calvin Klein underwear ads.

Apparently, Calvin Klein has a underwear celebrity super-model tighty-whitey packer named Jamie Dornan. I've gotten behind in my fashion news -- Where is my copy of "W magazine," dammit? He's modeled for Klein for a while, and Dornan also was part of an international search for a new man to "don the legendary Calvins" for ads. Talk about the Battle of the Bulge.

So, I walk into the locker room and there's three or four of these posters. Same images and more as in the links above. The posters aren't overwhelming, about 9" x 11." No jokes, please. But inescapable.

My first reaction was to shut my eyes with a wince, like I was in pain. I think my reaction was just from surprise, that the posters were so out of place and unexpected. This is a neighborhood gym, pretty low drama. Not gay unfriendly, but not in boystown. The gym's idea of locker room decor is a swine flu FAQ. So, I think my blink was from disbelief.

The gym must be making a little revenue from this. Or, maybe they think it's motivating, that it will inspire a great work out. If it's inspiration it's supposed to create, then, yes, I'm inspired, just not to hit the treadmill.

As I discreetly inspected a poster a close range -- I am a HUGE fan of black and white photography -- I started to wonder how the straight guys in the locker room react. I don't know how to survey one of them, so I'm asking you.

How would you react? It's not like it's porn, there's no sex, but it's all about male sexuality. And it's pretty in your face.

Would these ads, especially if you can't just turn the page, bug you? Do you just look past it without seeing it? Do you turn away? Does it inspire a check out the competition impulse? Is it annoying? Embarrassing? Do you look at it and say -- apologies to Wanda Sykes --That's so gay?

Let me know, SG. Readers, what about you?

--Gay Guy

OK, Adam Lambert, We Get It!

Gay Guy,

I was rooting for Adam Lambert on American Idol (past posts here and here). But is this really the cover of his new album, or one of those Elizabeth Taylor perfume ads?

He admits it's intentionally ridiculous. Well, duh. He's good at getting noticed, but I'm not sure "ridiculous" is the right direction for a debut album. No second chances, so he better bring it with the music.

Hey, what does one middle-aged, suburban, straight guy know about launching an androgynous pop/rock star? I'm iTunes savvy, but I haven't bought an actual album in years, except for Prince's latest... well, this argument is going nowhere...

Readers: Campy and interesting? Or, indulgent and awful?

--Straight Guy

Ad Watch: Gay and/or Straight Ads and Commercials

Readers,

Our Ad Watch posts have been generating a lot of traffic (well, by our standards, anyway... but if you search "gay straight ad," we're number one!). I've pulled a bunch of them together, and even updated all of the youtube links to the old videos...

• Gay/Straight Ad Watch: The Closet (x2) (Canal, Pepsi)
• Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Objectification Saves the Day (Breast Cancer Research)
• Gay/Straight Ad Watch: No Go, Girlfriend (Jim Beam Whiskey)
  
• Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Is That a Wide-Angle Lens Or Are You Just Happy to See Me? (OMAX Lenses)
• Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Miller "Innovations" Suppress Flamboyancy (Miller High Life)
• Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Straight Guys Ruin Everything (Stanley Steamer)
• Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Flings and Little Gays (Fling candybars and Europride)
• Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Hot Sex Sells (Quizno's)
• Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Progressive or Subversive? (Progressive Insurance)
• Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Sex Sells (Carl's Jr. and Sol Beer)
  
• Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Pepsi Max... More Straight Guy Abuse (Pepsi Max)
• Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Gay Love Shaq? (ESPN)
• Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Campari, The Gay, Straight, or Androgynous Aperitif? (Campari)
• Gay Straight Ad Watch: Photo-Chopped (Campari, retouching models to make them thinner)
• Gay/Straight Ad Watch: Don't Say "That's So Gay," Okay? (PSA)

And just so this whole post isn't recycled from old material, I'll give you the Wanda Sykes version of the "Don't Say 'That's So Gay'" public service announcement (see below). Her new show premiers Saturday Night on Fox.

Feel free to comment on any of the old posts (we still see them), or let us know here if there's anything we missed.

--Straight Guy

Gay/Straight Ad Watch: The Closet (x2)

--Straight Guy

Halloween Costumes: The Cat's Out of the Bag

Happy Halloween, Gay Guy,

You've mentioned that Halloween is often referred to as "gay Christmas." Let loose, have fun, but don't let things get out of hand.

Out here in Straightsville, things are more subdued, mostly focused on kids and candy.

One of my daughters asked for a black cat costume this year. She already had black pants and a shirt, so she really only needed to find ears, a tail, and whiskers. No problem, I thought.

Well, let me tell you, it's not easy to find a cat costume that hasn't been stripper-fied. At a party store, we located a set we were happy with, all except for the packaging. Call it a "teachable moment" about stilettos and fish net stockings.

Those items weren't included in the kit (just a tail, ears, and whiskers, one size fits all), but the package also included a black bow tie, which I was unable to explain. A fairly benign accessory, but as a symbol it represents the transition from cat to sex-kitten, no? It makes no sense, don't Playboy Bunnies wear the bow tie with rabbit ears?

We looked, and this was the only cat costume in the entire shop. Obviously there's a huge (and growing) market for edgy adult costumes. I went to a few serious costume parties in my twenties but I don't remember that they were quite as sexed up as they seem to be now. Redefining tricks and treats, I guess...

I take my fatherly responsibilities seriously, and as Chris Rock says, job number one is to "keep them off the pole!... They don't grade fathers, but if your daughter's a stripper, you f-ed up!"

I really don't think I have anything to worry about. She's a great kid. But dammit if she doesn't love that bow tie.

--Straight Guy

Normal Boy Disguises

Straight Guy,

Once again, the Onion has pulled off a miracle. Disguising a parent's Halloween nightmare.

So funny, it's true. So true, it's funny.

--Gay Guy

What Happens When Malibu Ken Turned 50

Straight Guy,

Some things, not even Gay Guy can explain.

Like this.

Admit it, it's things like this that make you frightened of me, isn't it.

--Gay Guy

Manhood for Amateurs: Gay Guy/Straight Guy Book Read?

Straight Guy,

You're a reader, I'm a reader. What about we read something together and then blog about it?

If you're willing, I've found us something to start with-- Manhood for Amateurs: The Pleasures and Regrets of a Husband, Father, and Son, by Michael Chabon, which just came out this month.

Great title, right?

Michael Chabon is one of my favorite writers. I've read a number of his novels -- Mysteries of Pittsburgh, Wonder Boys, and, best of all, The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, for which Chabon won the Pulitzer Prize for fiction in 2001. Kavalier & Clay is about a pair of World War II-era comic book artists, and it's on my Top Five books list. I just didn't want it to end.

The new Chabon work is a collection of essays, drawn from his own experiences.

Need help deciding? Watch an interview with Chabon from yesterday's "NewsHour with Jim Lehrer." Or read the New York Times review.

I like the book's title. I usually feel like a rogue amateur as a man. I just keep faking it until I find the manhood rule book hidden away somewhere. But I've been encouraged by Chabon's take on the word "amateur." It's in the clip.

Full disclosure: Chabon is married, but has had same-sex experiences in the past. Whatever. What matters is that his novels are well populated with gay characters. They were so well drawn and realistic that for a long time I had just assumed that he was gay.

Readers, what do you think of my new book scheme? Comment now and let us know.

--Gay Guy

Straight Guy Dictionary: Destructoporn

Gay Guy,

I'm not sure whether to feel sorry for enjoying this clip, or sorry for what remains of John Cusack's career. Oh, who am I kidding? He deserves a payday as much as anyone else, and this one will probably be huge.

From director Roland Emmerich who has previously destroyed the world through alien invasions (Independence Day) and a new Ice Age (The Day After Tomorrow), this new movie, 2012, opens next month.

Boys and their toys, right? This is just a bunch of them stomping around in a multi-million dollar sandbox. There is some palpable glee in all of the tragedy. Let's watch one family get away while millions of others are brutally destroyed. Hey, watch out for giant rolling donuts and traumatized children!

GG, was this on your radar, or is it for straight guys (and their unwilling dates) only?

I'll just pretend to be disgusted with the premise during it's theatrical run, and then sneak it into my NetFlix cue for next summer.

--Straight Guy