Gay Guy / Straight Guy

Viral Video: Poor Peter

2012-02-16T17:07:00.000-05:00

You think this video is about the explosive properties of nitrogen gas bubbles.

It's actually about the current state of Peter's marriage.

Emerson famously said "Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science." Emerson didn't say anything about garage experiments and Peter's wife, who is probably right, by the way. But great scientists never simply do what they are told to do. Fight the good fight, Peter.

--Straight Guy

Gay/Straight Rorschach Test: Cabin

2012-02-15T19:45:00.000-05:00

Readers,

What do you see in this selection from the trending website Cabin Porn?

I noted that the resident was a rugged minimalist who owns four flannel shirts of the same design.

Gay Guy saw hope in the detailing of the rug.

How about you? Check out Cabin Porn. There's something for everyone.

--Straight Guy

I Wanna Dance with Somebody

2012-02-12T20:46:00.000-05:00

Straight Guy,

I downloaded a few Whitney Houston songs today to add to my collection of exactly one. Whitney was great when I was not much in a pop culture place, so she's not much on my music radar screen.

For me, she's an example of someone with a wonderful voice who gave up control of that voice and her career to someone else. Ditto Celine Dione.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that Whitney is a gay icon. But we do love our dance music. And when Whitney sang happy dance music, nothing was better. Peace to you, lady.

--Gay Guy

Care for a Stretch?

2012-02-09T21:15:00.001-05:00

Straight Guy,

I'm sorry that I've been such a shitty blogging partner this year. All I can say is that I am completely burnt out. Not burnt out on blogging. Just burnt out on life. A cluster of reasons: Winter blahs, work has been sucking the creativity and joy out of me, I stay up too late then feel tired all day. Blah, blah, blah.

I did find some energy in cleaning out the closets at home. And nothing like a new pair of shoes to cheer up this guy. Otherwise, just the same things over and over.

So instead of waiting to feel creative to inspire blogging, maybe I can blog to inspire creativity.

To de-stress and stretch myself, literally, I've been trying to get into a yoga routine. Even with three yoga studios within sight of my front door, it's been harder than I thought. Harder to get a spot in class (I give new year's resolutions until Valentine's Day to perish) and harder than ever to do the work.

Yoga is tough. Physically tough and hard to admit it. Men's flexibility pales in comparison to women's flexibility, that's well know. I don't care that I am less flexible than women, just that I'm less flexible than everyone. Maybe I need an all-men class. Here's a good Washington Post article about one man's yoga experience. Sounds scarily familiar.

Keep me honest on the stretching. And the blogging.

--Gay Guy

Gay Meets Straight: Madonna at the Superbowl

2012-02-07T12:58:00.000-05:00

Gay Guy,

Our buddy Billy has hit the big time with a gig on Conan. He has his own Superbowl priorities.

I know that the programmers at PBS refused to delay airing an original episode of Downton Abbey, so you were unable to see the Superbowl. But did you catch the halftime show?

--Straight Guy

Gay Guy Needs a Hearing Test

2012-02-02T16:17:00.000-05:00

I just walked by Straight Guy's office.

He told me that he was working on his filing cabinets. I heard that he was working on his fag habits.

I need a hearing test. But, it was the first time I've laughed at work for a while.

--Gay Guy

Gee Whiz: Mixed Emotions

2012-01-30T17:47:00.003-05:00

Gay Guy,

Another entry into our Gee Whiz category, and this one has some controversy attached. [Link]

A private German Rolling Stones museum (ugh, of course) installed these urinals, apparently oblivious to the controversy that could ensue...

Critic: "Why does it have to be a woman's mouth? If it had been based on the emblem of the stones with the tongue, it would have been okay. But the tongue's been left out and they really look like women's mouths."

Owner: "That's not a man's mouth or a woman's mouth, that's art... They were damned expensive and they're staying where they are."

The owner was right about one thing: the expense. They cost 695 euros each! [Link]

What do you think, GG? Readers? Do you see the Stones logo? Homage or insult?

--Straight Guy

And Then This Happened: Hair Ring

2012-01-27T18:20:00.001-05:00

Slow week here at GG/SG. We leave you with this.

Source

Ad Watch: Details, Details...

2012-01-20T17:08:00.001-05:00

Click to Enlarge

Gay Guy,

I've added a bunch of stuff to the GayAdsStraightAds Tumblr. Some are funny European ads that I'd never seen before, and a dreadful ad promoting tourism in North Dakota. There's also a TV ad for the Renault Twingo -- with a nice twist.

The ad above is for the European lifestyle magazine Grazia which implies that a man can only be as attractive as his least stylish detail. There's another in the series on GayAdsStraightAds which diminishes dudes in fannypacks.

--Straight Guy

Media Watch: Conan's Face and Ricky's Cleavage

2012-01-13T18:27:00.000-05:00

Straight Guys Ruin Everything: Fashion and Music Edition

2012-01-10T18:39:00.000-05:00

--Straight Guy

Viral Video: Meryl Streep Showdown

2012-01-09T17:46:00.000-05:00

Gay Guy,

I love Billy. It's not what he says, it's how much he cares.

--Straight Guy

Been There, Done That: Beard Punch

2012-01-06T13:36:00.000-05:00

I've seen that look. Multiple times.

When they tell you it's time to go. Let it go.

--Straight Guy

Project Runway to the Rescue!

2012-01-05T13:58:00.000-05:00

Straight Guy,

I have a pile of shirts demanding to be ironed, probably about 1.5 hours of ironing, staring me in the face (as in, I will have nothing to wear tomorrow). By a happy coincidence, on TV tonight is Project Runway All Stars. The perfect accompaniment--interesting enough to keep me at the ironing board, but not something that requires strict attention.

--Gay Guy

Caving In on "Man Caves"?

2012-01-05T10:24:00.000-05:00

Straight Guy,

"Man Cave" made it to a 2012 list of words that should be banished. Sorry, I'm just the messenger. I'll buy you a bright light for your man cave of a dimly lit office.

But, is "man cave" out as an overused word or is having a man cave out, too?

I'm guilty, here. While my office is bright--perhaps to compensate for no windows--guests often call my my home lighting scheme "serene." This might be code for man cave. It's actually due to an odd placement of outlets.

Readers, anyone else living or working in a (formerly known as a) man cave? Is there any kind of gay/straight, male/female trend?

--Gay Guy

Media Watch: Guys and/or/but Dolls

2012-01-03T18:39:00.000-05:00

Gay Guy,

Tonight is the premier of "Work It," a new sitcom about guys in drag.

The reviewer at the Washington Post nails this show and takes a thoughtful look at the history and controversy of men in drag on TV. [link]

Here's a quote: "In an unseemly display of uncredited closet-raiding, “Work It” is just “Bosom Buddies” with a smokier eye. ...bad drag is one of the oldest jokes around, and there is some debate about whether it works the way it used to, thanks mainly to the tireless efforts of professional drag queens, who’ve upped the game considerably, and proponents of transgender rights, who’ve had it with pop culture’s mockery and bias."

I was young, but remember, somewhat fondly, the Tom Hanks sitcom "Bosom Buddies." I certainly remember that they cast a tall blonde stunner named Donna Dixon as Hank's love interest, probably just so there wouldn't be any confusion about sexual identity. Sorry that that was my biggest takeaway.

Actually, I'm more interested in HBO's launch of Angry Boys in which Aussie Chris Lilly playes all of the central roles, some in drag. Loved his last series, "Summer Heights High."

The subject of men (especially straight men) in drag as comedy is too long to get into. I started to put together a short list, but wikipedia has already developed the killer content, from Chaplin to Madea. [link]

Anyone watching? Or just Netflixing "Tootsie"?

--Straight Guy

Tricky Dick?

2011-12-28T22:55:00.001-05:00

Straight Guy,

Richard Nixon in a gay relationship? All is can say on behalf of my people is No, no, no, no, no, no. Read it.

--Gay Guy

Then This Happened: Same Sex Sailor Smooch

2011-12-21T21:06:00.001-05:00

Gay Guy,

I am trying to enjoy this -- for the excellent civil rights victory that it truly is -- without indulging in any stereotypical straight-guy objectification whatsoever.

Really trying. Because they deserve better than that.

99% there, but they're pretty cute. Dang.

Full story here.

--Straight Guy

FABulous News: Gay Granddads' Stork News

2011-12-18T13:26:00.000-05:00

Straight Guy,

This vid's going around. It's built on an old joke: Every gay couple has a man and a woman in it. In this relationship, the 'female" half is just dying to be a grandma.

'Tis the season, so I will suck in my politics and just enjoy the overflowing joy.

--Gay Guy

Turning the Other Cheek . . . With Cheek

2011-12-12T12:18:00.001-05:00

Straight Guy,

I meant to blog last week about Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry's "Strong" ad, which is not only mean-spirited but also short on logic. Rick, if you need to stoop this low, it's an admission that your campaign is in the toilet. If you haven't watched "Strong" you should. Bottom line: Both gays in the military and the Obama administration are waging a "war on religion." Who knew?

Perry's ad came out last Wednesday. The benefit of not finding time to blog about it last week is that the parodies keep rolling in. Appropriate to the season, Perry's vid is the gift that keeps giving. Check out the featured vid above from our friends at Funny or Die. God bless 'em. Whoops. Forgot. Only Rick Perry and his voting block know how God sees fit to bless. (You should probably watch the Perry ad before you watching the Funny or Die video.

In the Funny or Die video, Jesus turns the other cheek. Best line: "What have gays in the military ever done to Rick Perry except keeping him safe while he executed the mentally retarded?"

See . . . witty AND logical.

Here's another laugh-out-loud Strong parody vid. Watch it.

--Gay Guy

Gaydar Check: Dancer and Prancer Edition

2011-12-05T18:23:00.000-05:00

Gay Guy,

Love it or hate it, Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You" is definitely the standout holiday song of the modern age. Hard to believe it's 17 years old now. Mariah won't let the royalties fade, though. This year, she's released a new duet and video where a courgarish Mariah sets her sights on Justin Bieber within a shopping frenzy and product-placement orgy. Ugh. (UPDATE: Here comes Bublé with his mellow 2011 version, too.)

The original has it's charms. But it's actually more retro than modern. Mariah and her producers found something timeless... like a lost track from a Phil Spector holiday-wall-of-sound session with the Ronettes.

Some folks are helpless to resist. I read that Richard Curtis played it on a loop as he was scripting Love Actually, which garners similar love-it-or-hate-it sentiments.

Let me know what you think of the videos above. Both have gone viral in the last few days. No need to label these as gay or straight (though I love how the guy in the second video -- aspiring musician Preston Leatherman -- spends a moment ogling the Victoria's Secret display, just to clarify). Let's file them under "Joy."

Heck, I'll even throw in this one from the shipmates on the Royal Navy's HMS Ocean. Plenty of playful female participants, but of course the men have to take it up a notch in terms of suggestive posing, implied nudity, and cross dressing. What is it with soldiers and lip-dubs to female artists, anyway?

This song isn't going anywhere. Happy holidays.

--Straight Guy

Lash Resort?

2011-12-02T18:16:00.041-05:00

Straight Guy,

This gay guy needs some straight guy help. I can't get my imagination around this sign at the spa next door.

From your vast straight guy body of female knowledge, what do "eyelash extensions" entail?

Like most gay men, I know a lot from women. Not necessarily about women, but from them. There's a difference, though my friend Kiki always notes that my perspectives on women's shoes prove that a gay guy is a girl's best friend.

Anyway, no female in my address book has ever talked about extending her eyelashes. So, SG, readers, anyone, please how does this work? Are longer lashes glued in between your own shorter ones? Are they growing off to the side? If they truly extend, how? Surely they can't be braided in like hair extensions.

For $99, you should be able to get a caterpillar.

To keep the gay quotient up, the sign sends me into song:

"Like a filly who is ready for a race
When I have a brand new hairdo
With my eyelashes all in curls
I float like the clouds on air do
I enjoy being a girl"

"I Enjoy Being a Girl" is sadly one of the few songs readily known from Rodgers and Hammerstein's Flower Drum Song.

--Gay Guy

Gee Whiz: Insert Joystick Joke Here

2011-11-29T16:30:00.001-05:00

Gay Guy,

In order to snark on this with the harshness it deserves, I'm going to have to pretend that I've never taken my iPad into the bathroom with me.

Oh, never mind.

You can check out the past entries in our Gee Whiz series here.

--Straight Guy

Outside it is winter. But in here it's so hot.

2011-11-25T12:01:00.000-05:00

Straight Guy,

This--and only this--could lure me into a store on Black Friday.

Extra charge for home delivery?

--Gay Guy

P.S.: Bonus points if you can name the musical from which I cribbed the headline.

Boyz n the Hoodie?

2011-11-24T07:00:00.000-05:00

Straight Guy,

What happened to sweatshirts?

I don't mean style, color or availability. I mean what happened to the "hooded sweatshirt" or "sweatshirt with a hood." It's all "hoodies" now.

Lest you think I live under a rock, I've heard of "hoodies." My nieces asked for hoodies for Christmas a few years ago and confirmed my suspicion about what a hoodie was. All good.

I was doing some online clothes browsing for myself this week and saw that more than one site had "hoodies" in the men's section.

Ick. Real men don't wear hoodies. Real men wear sweatshirts with hoods. When did a hoodie become something an adult man would wear?

My reaction surprises and bothers me. Being gay means a daily bumping up against what men are "supposed" to be/wear/say/do/want. There's some traditional straight guy stuff that I adopt and some that I reject. Why does "hoodie" sound like something that should not be worn by a man. I'm not a hoodie hater, I also was grossed out by a decade-long run of men's tank tops with straps that were dangerously close to make it a camisole top.

Shouldn't clothes go over my skin, not get under it?

Help!

--Gay Guy

Ad Watch: Benetton Presidential Face Mashing

2011-11-22T17:09:00.001-05:00

I am SHOCKED by this ad. Shocked that Benetton is still in business, that is. But I haven't been in the mall since last Christmas.

Otherwise, ho hum. Benetton has leveraged this kind of high production value shock-vertising every few years. I'm not sure they can take much credit for moving the needle in terms of acceptance or awareness. They usually piss off more people than they convert, and that's not progress.

http://unhate.benetton.com/

Here's the idea this time: "Stop hating, if you were hating. Unhate is a message that invites us to consider that hate and love are not as far away from each other as we think. Actually, the two opposing sentiments are often in a delicate and unstable balance. Our campaign promotes a shift in the balance: don’t hate, Unhate."

What? It's not that easy, Benetton. I can't just flip a switch and start loving Enya music and flan after all these years. Sometimes, we hate for the right reasons.

--Straight Guy

Things Straight Guy Hates Immediately: Paint Colors for Manly Men

2011-11-17T19:05:00.001-05:00

Gay Guy,

CIL Paints, which might be the Benjamin Moore of Canada, has just launched a line of paints for men. Manly men, to be specific.

Don't worry. The colors are the same, but the names have changed, so that dudes will feel more comfortable. See the chart at right: Their pea green hue "Juliet's Potion" becomes "Zombie Apocalypse," for example.

Here's the logic from the company spokesperson:
“When it comes to paint names, it’s all about the emotional connection and our research shows that men and women tend to relate to paint names differently...Studies show that while a larger percentage of women tend to choose paint colours for their home, it’s often men who give the colours a final nod...We’ve had the occasional person who thought it was a little bit condescending. But I’ve yet to see a funny ad campaign that is thrilling to 100% of the world.” LINK

Whatever. This paint naming game has always been hackneyed and condescending. I work in design, give me a numerical PMS code or RGB percentage breakdown any day. Keep your "Stormy Seas" and "Beer Foam" system, please.

And honestly, it's probably better to stick with natural tones, folks. I've been in a number of over-painted houses lately. Let's all chill out on the brightly colored "highlight walls."

--Straight Guy

And Then This Happened...

2011-11-14T13:22:00.001-05:00

I hate to be negative about this noteworthy initiative, but isn't there is some irony in the fact that cycling can have a negative (or even permanent) impact on male fertility? [link]

--Straight Guy

These Bitchy Words Are a Few of My Favorite Things

2011-11-11T15:55:00.001-05:00

Straight Guy,

For some reason, The Sound of Music popped into my head this week. Maybe it is a sure sign that the holidays are upon us.

Everyone knows the songs, but have you ever carefully listened to the dialogue? The Baroness has best lines. Here's an arch snippet.

Baroness Schrader has Georg (Capt. von Trapp) firmly in her romantic/sexual sites. Things are going her way until the arrival of Maria, cutie nunster governess. Trying to get around the cock, I mean, road block that is Maria, the Baroness sweetly fastens her manicured claws around Georg, self deprecatingly describing herself:

"I am amusing, I suppose. I have the finest couturier in Vienna and a glittering circle of friends. I do give some rather gay parties. But take all that away and you have just wealthy, unattached little me. . . . searching. . . . just like you."

I don't know anything about writers Howard Lindsay or Russell Crouse, but something tells me one of them was gay.

--Gay Guy

Gay Guy Asks: Are You Stacked Against Me?

2011-11-09T16:31:00.000-05:00

Straight Guy,

Just going through weeks of email that stacked up while we were crazy busy at work. I am embarrassed to say that this content tip from a reader is more than a month old. But still good.

I love the plethora of hot men calendars out there. They don't need to be porn-like to be fun. Remember, I have my hot priests 2012 calendar from my Roman holiday. Our reader sent in Men of the Stacks, hot librarians for 2012. Makes me want to check out some books, deliberately keep them until they are overdue, then have to pay the fine.

I grew up using the public library on a regular basis. From junior high until I headed off to college, I was pretty much living there. It was a haven for a geeky kid more than it was an information source. I loved my college work-study job in the library, too. I am trying to get back into a library habit instead of just clicking on Amazon.

Last week, I spent two days at a conference held in our city's main downtown library. I had only been in there a few times before. I have to say to was pretty impressed. Impressed that it functions as a semi-homeless shelter. The folks were pretty under control, but I don't know how the library staff comes in day after day and keeps their spirits up.

--Gay Guy

In the Genes? Gay Penguins Need to Collect Their Stud Fees?

2011-11-07T17:16:00.000-05:00

Straight Guy,

Hope you are doing well under that sunny tropical sun. Remember to (re)apply that SPF40!

Readers--Straight Guy and I finally came off the work terror that has been mounting steadily for eight or nine months with a full-volume roar for eight or nine weeks. Things went fine. Foolishly, we thought we'd wrap up a few projects, then resume normal programming, but last week was equally wild as the previous.

SG is smart--he had booked plans to take the family out of town to someplace fun and warm. I am so jealous.

We've missed having time for blogging. To get back into the habit, here's news from the Toronto Zoo about Buddy and Pedro, two gay penguins. Well, no one knows for sure if they are gay, but the two lads are inseparable and they display mating rituals, complete with braying sounds. Hot, right?

Here's the prob: African Penguins are facing severely dwindling numbers. So, their "pair bonding" --such a sweet term!-- with each other needs to end so that their DNA can get it on with the ladies and keep the species alive. They are like stud penguins, I guess.

This Noah's Ark stuff is a lot of work.

--Gay Guy

Man Walks Into a Bar . . .

2011-10-23T17:40:00.001-04:00

Straight Guy,

This chalkboard was in front of a bar. "Male Bonding." Now that's how you get my attention.

So, what's the bar got up its sleeve? "Male Bonding": Name of a band? New drink? Live show?

Drat: Looks like its a band.

I'm out of the loop, but intrigued.

SG, you're still a hipster. Any intelligence on this one?

--Gay Guy

The Hunt for Gay Athletes

2011-10-20T23:13:00.000-04:00

Straight Guy,

Interesting Washington Post article on scholarships for out athletes.

Most frightening place for gay high school athletes is the locker room. Don't have to be a jock for the locker room be no fun.

--Gay Guy

Media Watch: NYT Fashion, Men in Heels

2011-10-19T21:26:00.000-04:00

Gay Guy,

From the New York Times Fashion section, an article on the men who wear women's heels on the club scene. [A Tall Tale, but True: Men in Heels]

It doesn't get into their sexuality, but one of the trendsetters complains: "I literally look at girls and think, you have so many options. You have jumpers, you have skirts, you have dresses, you have pants, you have shorts. Boys have pants and shorts. Or suits and a shirt."

Wait. A lack of "jumpers" for men? Let's get right on that, garment industry.

I'm not heavy into the club scene right now (or ever), but it sounds pretty competitive, fashion wise. You do what you have to do to stand out. If that's a jumper and high heels, go for it. But don't get confused. It's not drag!Another quote:

None of the men interviewed considered themselves to be in drag. “I always make it very clear that I am a man, and I’m not trying to portray an illusion to anybody,” Mr. Wagner said.Though some would call it a form of drag, he added, “As far as we’re concerned, this is just bringing a look to a club — which is what you are supposed to do.”

I knew by the end of the first paragraph there there would soon be a comparison to Napoleon and 18th century French aristocracy as examples of the proud tradition of men and heels. And that the current wearers would try to claim that the added height was the primary benefit. Sorry, no points awarded on either count.

It's high fashion, where self-indulgence is required and form rules over function. Don't try to justify it. Own it. And then work it!

Yeah. There's some sarcasm here. But if I have a prejudice, it's against a club scene where folks, gay or straight, apparently have to go to great extreme and expense just to get noticed, because that's priority #1. I guess talking, drinking, and dancing are optional now.

I realize that I couldn't be more out of touch than I am with these guys. And that they couldn't care less about my thoughts on their size 13 stilettos.

Still, I will do my best to "bring a look" to work tomorrow. Probably something in the "function over form" category.

--Straight Guy

Cher Comic Book Unsucessfully Attempts to Bridge the Gay/Straight Divide

2011-10-14T12:42:00.001-04:00

Straight guys still not interested. Her mutant superpowers and crime-fighting costume are impressive, though.

Via Dave Barry.

--Straight Guy

Media Watch: Men-Ups

2011-10-12T19:30:00.003-04:00

Gay Guy,

Check out Florida photographer Rion Sabean's Flickr stream for a project he's calling "Men-ups."Obviously it's a commentary on gender, and the ridiculousness of the iconic Vargas style pin-up.

Or, maybe you think this is hot, too.

I think it's interesting and humorous. But I'm not ready to indict the visual norms he is trying to spoof and undermine. They work for a reason. It's often a thin line between seduction and objectification.

When Marilyn Monroe's skirt blows up, it's iconic in the same overly-stylized way. I didn't know until recently that the scene didn't even make it into the original release of "The Seven Year Itch." Too titillating for the time. But the image was simply too powerful to be ignored, and is now her most lasting visual. (Though this might take it too far.)

I guess my take is that visual objectification isn't going anywhere, and the best we can do is to be thoughtful about what it means and how we consume it. That's a big step for a straight guy, right?

Sabean is hoping to release these images in a 2012 calendar. I hope he does, and makes a ton of money.

--Straight Guy

Things Gay Guy Does NOT Like to See in His Neighborhood

2011-10-04T17:51:00.000-04:00

Straight Guy,

We had quite a little buzz in my neighborhood over the weekend. Apparently there was a bomb scare at the corner Starbucks. The police wouldn't give out much/any information, but they evacuated some buildings and blocked off a five block radius around my building. It was kind of like a movie scene--they even had city buses parked sideways to block the streets and create a buffer.

In my neighborhood, we're very interested in "suspicious packages." Ahem.

You would think a sane person would say to himself, "Oh, a bomb threat within site of my front door. Hmmmm . . . perhaps I should 1) stay inside or 2) take the opportunity to get away for a while. But, no. Like a few dozen of my neighbors, I tried to get as close as possible to get the detail on the bomb-sniffing dogs and the bomb tech crew taking apart what looked like a computer bag.

Eventually it was "All clear." By that time, I had moved on my with my gay guy routine (ironing, Food Network, iron some more, Appletinis, ironing, etc.).

I feel sorry for the guy who left Starbucks, absentmindedly forgetting his bag. Or maybe he was in a rage because he'd been charged $8.59 for a pumpkin spice latte.

--Gay Guy

Cupcake Kryptonite Cuts Super Manliness?

2011-10-03T22:28:00.000-04:00

Straight Guy,

Take a read of this Washington Post article on "manly cities."

At 42 on a scale of 50 for manliness, guys in the nation's capital must be feel their Washington Monument shrinking.

Combos, maker of the ultimate Super Bowl snack bowl, ranked Washington's ample supply of cup cake shops among the factors that brought down the manly score. (I can't wait to tell my mom that it was probably her cup cakes that made me gay.)

Anyway, this sounds like a sweet/savory smack down.

What pushes up a city's macho measure? Professional sports teams, chicken wing restaurants and Western/cowboy apparel stores. Lordy.

Maybe this was an Onion article.

--Gay Guy

P.S.: A cupcake with "ganache" in its name is gay.

Gay Guy on Fall Fashion Fumbles: Specator. Sport.

2011-09-26T23:22:00.000-04:00

Straight Guy,

I try not be be a stickler on silly fashion rules. That "No white after Labor Day" stuff. Admittedly, fashion rules seldom apply to men (mostly because fashion seldom applies to men). But I had to draw a line in the sidewalk this morning.

This (overly) dapper gent, replete with bow tie, was sporting spectators. Spectators! In September, I say! It's not summery anymore, let alone summer.

SG, stop pretending you know what spectators are and go here.

To beat you to the question, no spectators in my closet. I am not man enough to pull off spectators.

On the topic of being man enough to pull off an out-there outfit, I've been meaning to blog about this Washington Post article on crazy-ass football uniforms. Every season, the look gets more extreme and attention-getting. Like a "Real Housewives" cast party.

Fashion Fumble: These uniforms look like and 8 year old boy's Halloween costume. Which is maybe the point.

I like this quote from the article: " . . . a few years ago. . . most teams had two uniforms--home and away--and all anyone needed was a pocket schedule to now which would be worn on a given Saturday in the fall, if they cared at all."

SG, anyone, a little football fashion analysis for me?

--Gay Guy

Viral Video: Foos Fight Back!

2011-09-19T19:39:00.000-04:00

Gay Guy,

When the deranged idiots from Westboro Baptist Church decided to encourage a boycott of the Foo Fighters concert in Kansas City, the Foos fought back. They pulled up to the protest on the back of a semi-truck (as their maybe-gay alter egos, the Clean Truckers) and brought a concert directly to the protesters. "Hot Buns" for everyone.(See previous post here.)

Here's Dave Grohl:"God Bless America! It takes all kinds... I don't care if you're black or white or purple or green, whether you're Pennsylvanian or Transylvanian, Lady Gaga or Lady Antebellum... men loving women and women loving men and men loving men and women loving women -- yeah you all know we like to watch that. But what I'd like to say is, God Bless America, y'all!"

--Straight Guy

File This Under "Protest Too Much"

2011-09-15T17:52:00.000-04:00

Three guys get matching "NO HOMO" tattoos (OMG! BFF!), drop trou, and choreograph a booty-pop pose to show them off to all their friends... This is the most fabulous definitely not-gay thing I've ever seen. Thumbs up, bros!

--Straight Guy

Media Watch: Gay Guy Says There IS Something Good About Rick Perry

2011-09-14T15:08:00.004-04:00

Straight Guy,

I don't care that this is photoshopped.

Don't they teach you not to eat a corn dog in public in candidate campaign school?

--Gay Guy

Viral Video: Hey Girl!

2011-09-09T18:24:00.002-04:00

If you wondered what it might be like if Sassy Gay Friend (or the famous Honey Badger) was a Disney princess...

--Straight Guy

Gay Guy, Straight Guy Get Good Advice

2011-09-08T14:03:00.001-04:00

Straight Guy,

Over the weekend, I read some old magazines and moved them to the recycling bin. I really shouldn't have any subscriptions at all because I just let them pile up.

I flipped through an old Men's Journal and found this "Survival Skills" interview with the world's oldest man, Walter Breuning, who has since passed away at age 114. Read an obit.

Breuning's advice is both endearing and practical, not Men's Journal's usual preening about how to wrestle an grizzly bear. Here's a bit from the interview:

Q: What skill should every man have?
A: The skill of being kind to people. In today’s world, everybody is mean to each other. But if you can help other people, you help yourself at the same time. You do, really. I used to walk all over town every morning after breakfast, and one day a lady stopped me and tied my loose shoestring. Well, I could’ve fallen down, you know. You see, it’s the little things.

Part of the reason that Men's Journal piles up unread in my home is that I don't have a lot of time and lively brain space these days. Mostly, its because MJ is ridiculously packed with features about men with too much testosterone. Think "I Lived for Six Months in the Arctic Circle Surviving Only a Pack of Beef Jerky."

SG, what magazines do you get? Are they "straight."

--Gay Guy

That's Mr. Mirren to You, Buddy

2011-09-05T18:25:00.001-04:00

Straight Guy,

I went to see the film The Debt this weekend, which I recommend. It's definitely tight and suspenseful--you could have heard a pin drop in the theater.

From the ads, I expected the film to star a gun-toting, ass-kicking Helen Mirren. But she's much more subtle.

I like Helen Mirren a lot. Who wouldn't. I've liked her movie roles, but none of them has gripped me as much as her role as Detective Inspector Jane Tennison in the U.K.'s ITV series Prime Suspect. She's tough.

Her toughness must inspired this post by Linda Holmes on the NPR blog Monkey See. Read it: "Twenty Iconic Male Movie Roles in Which Helen Mirren Would Have Ruled." Thank you good friend and fellow blogger Knit Like You Mean It for sending along.

To excerpt: "How many roles written for men would have been, if tweaked appropriately . . . . perfect Helen Mirren vehicles?"

A woman as Bond? I can see it. What about you, SG? Any of these uber-male roles up for a woman to recast?

--Gay Guy

Video: Swim Team Was Never Like This

2011-09-01T23:22:00.002-04:00

Straight Guy,

A friend forwarded this video short by German director Kai Stanicke. It's pretty cool.

I like that it's about fluid sexuality, but even more I like that the shared sensuality/sexuality includes older people and folks with less-than-model-perfect bodies and faces.

Give it a watch and tell me what you think.

--Gay Guy

Viral Video: But Would I Still Respect Myself in the Morning?

2011-08-30T17:27:00.001-04:00

Straight Guy,

This is the perfect solution to finding just the right spot AND awkward conversations when the deed is done.

It's not nice, but every time a boyfriend has told me to go fuck myself, I've always wanted to answer, "Then what would I need you for?"

--Gay Guy

Viral Video: Foo Fighters Hot Buns

2011-08-29T20:14:00.001-04:00

Gay Guy,

Uncensored means naked man butt and truck-stop-shower-soap-dropping, so maybe NSFW.

Maybe it's the years of GG/SG blogging talking, but I'm starting to lose the ability to distinguish between irony, post-irony, mockery, meta, and slapstick.

I know that they know that I know... whatever.

Not that I wouldn't love to see a Foo Fighters concert, by the way.

--Straight Guy

News of the Week

2011-08-22T13:36:00.009-04:00

Straight Guy,

Welcome back. I hope your week of vacation was restful.

I figure your kids might have buried you in sand, so you missed some good gay/straight-related news stories last week. Here's a brief selected round up:

--A bittersweet story: Jacques Beaumont, 86, and Richard Townsend, 72, wed after 39 years together. Both are in poor health and the wedding took place in their hospital room. God bless New York's new same-sex marriage law. Read the story.

--I Don't Got a Friend: Anti-gay marriage, social fascist and all-round bigot Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum outs himself on CNN that he has gay friends. Whether he talks and listens to them is a question mark. Read and watch.

Fast Endings: Tea Party backed Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell walked of the Piers Morgan Show when he pressed her on her anti-gay marriage and Don't Ask, Don't Tell stances. Oh, Christine, you're such a troublemaker. Piers, you sold out your once-fine journalistic cred years ago, but you are making some recovery. Read and watch.

Enough of that, here's the real news from last week:

Dress Code Drama: A 61-year-old lifeguard takes a stance that he doesn't belong in a Speedo to do his job. Amen to that. Read.

Best of all:

Shirt Situation: Because suddenly clothing and soft core porn purveyor Abercrombie and Fitch realized that Jersey Shore is a tacky show? Read.

--Gay Guy

GG|SG Advice Week: It Gets Better

2011-08-18T05:16:00.001-04:00

We're reposting a few questions from readers this week. If you have a question, leave a comment or send us an e-mail. Anonymous questions allowed and encouraged.

Question from a reader (October 2010):

I am 16 years old, soon to be 17. I live in Michigan. I am writing this because I am not like many other 16 year olds. I say this because I don't have many friends and the friends that I do have are mainly girls. I go to an all-guy school. At school, all the guys talk about girls and what they want to do to them, and I have to fake something every time it comes to me. I am not like many of them there; I do not like to hang out with them because I find it very hard to talk to guys and hang out with them. When I am out with a girl, it just comes natural to me. I am constantly thinking about guys, I cannot help it no matter what I do about it. When a girl walks down the sidewalk, I don't even think to look at her. I am thinking about whether I am gay or straight on a daily basis, and it is making me miserable. I am not going out and having fun, my parents push me to, but I never do. I have thought about what to do or who to tell. I have never gone through with it. Every time I think about it I am disgusted about it. Also I do not know how my family and friends would act about it. I say to myself that I want to have a family and that makes me go back to thinking and wanting to be straight. Please help me and give me advice on what I should do?!!!!

GAY GUY RESPONDS:

I wish I could be with you in person, because your questions are eating away at your self confidence. You would benefit from talking with a trusted adult friend, someone who will understand your feelings and keep your confidence. I think you'd feel better if you get your thoughts out of your head and share them out loud. My worries sound different, and usually not so burdensome, when I say them out loud. I understand this is hard to do when you are 16 going on 17. Is there a teacher or counselor at your school who you can trust? You won't be the first guy to bring them tough questions.

I didn't have many guy friends in high school either. Now I have a lot of guy friends -- both gay and straight, as this blog proves. Guys at 16 can be pretty gross: they have limited social skills, aren't all that mature or expressive, and are focused on finding their place in and navigating the competitive pecking order that guys live in.

Friendships are to be treasured and celebrated. Sounds like you are relegating your friendships to second-class status because the world keeps telling you that you should be hanging with guys. Everyone needs friendships that make us feel seen, heard and appreciated. If your female friends help you feel good about yourself, then my advice is to go with it.

Can you take some initiative here? Straight Guy and I often hit basketball games together. I pay attention to some of the game, but spend a fair amount of time people-watching instead. What I value is spending time with a great friend, not necessarily the activity. Could you try "faking" it for an hour or two at school events just to see if the investment of time could pay off in you feeling more comfortable?

You think about guys all the time. The heart wants what the heart wants. You cannot "want" yourself into being straight or gay. I don't know how your romantic future will shake out, but I absolutely know that you will find people who will love you for who you are. I promise. And, lots of gay men, whether as couples or singles, adopt or find other ways to have families, so you don't have to give up that idea.

For now, my advice is to focus on building your self-esteem. Don't make yourself miserable. You are not alone, not even in that all-guy school of yours. You don't have to do anything or know everything right now; you might need to go off to college, get away from home, and meet a new and more mature group of friends to get some perspective on who you really are.

So, keep the faith, stop punishing yourself, feel good about all the special things that you are, keep breathing, try a few new things to see how they fit, stay in touch, and trust that you will be loved for you are.

STRAIGHT GUY RESPONDS:

You're comfortable with girls but don't fantasize about them. You fantasize about guys, but can't connect with your straight friends. The facts end there. You're gay and you know it. Please stop wondering and wishing it could be different. That's torture. If you're in a spot where you can't act on it, just wait, like GG suggests. There will be many chapters in your life. You CAN have a family and a wide network of folks who "get" and support you as your authentic self.

Good news is you found us, so you have access to the internet. There are many resources out there that will let you know that (1) you are not alone, and (2) that your situation will improve. In fact, there's a massive campaign right now called "It Gets Better" (links below) where you can hear stories -- some from fabulous and famous people! -- about how hard it was when they were your age. You might feel tormented by your thoughts, or bullied by your friends, or trapped by your circumstances... but you CAN just wait it out. In a year, you'll be in a new place and might start to see more possibilities for yourself.

I know, it's hard NOW. But eventually, you will connect with folks. Folks who will like you and love you and enjoy your company... and you'll just be able to be yourself. I'm happy in my life, but Gay Guy has many more friends than I do. Dinner friends, party friends, book club friends, brunch friends, movie friends, work friends, volunteer friends, theater friends. It's crazy what he packs into a weekend, sometimes. Once in a while, he even includes me.

So, think long term. If you ever get to the point where you get desperate and feel like you can't take it anymore, please know that there are people who want to help you. The Trevor Project has an anonymous hotline set up to help gay teens deal with depression. They want to help. If you need some, let them try.

Good luck. Here are some "It Gets Better" links:
homepage • facebook page • YouTube Channel

Here are some "It Gets Better" testimonials:
Sassy Gay Friend, Tim Gunn, Neil Patrick Harris, and a Texas councilman (believe it or not) Joel Burns

GG|SG Advice Week: Tweedle-Glee and Tweedle-Glum

2011-08-17T05:07:00.004-04:00

We're reposting a few questions from readers this week. If you have a question, leave a comment or send us an e-mail. Anonymous questions allowed and encouraged.

Question from a reader (September 2010):

“Help. I'm 15 and I just came out to my older brother. He told me not to worry about being gay -- that there is nothing to be ashamed about. However, my twin brother found out, and now he keeps giving me the cold shoulder and teasing me. I love my brothers and sisters. I have one older brother, a twin brother, younger sister, and younger brother. I was hoping someone could give me advice how to get my twin brother to accept me like my older one did.”

GAY GUY RESPONDS:

Jesse, I admire you. It takes a lot of bravery to be true to yourself and with those you love, especially when you know that what you have to say doesn’t always go over very well.

I suspect you already know this, but you can’t “get” anyone to accept you. Acceptance is work that we all have to do for ourselves. It’s not work that others can make us do, let alone succeed at.

Your twin is acting like a brat. My gut tells me that he has some catching up to do. You’ve been thinking about your orientation for a while; maybe he needs some time to get used to the idea.

Don't let the cold shoulder go on too long, and don’t let the teasing make you feel bad about yourself. This behavior is about your twin, not you. Your older brother can give you some good help and perspective.

Take comfort in knowing that you and your siblings have been raised in a loving, thoughtful way—your oldest brother as proof. That’s the best indicator you’ll find the acceptance that you want from the ones you love.

STRAIGHT GUY RESPONDS:

I agree with GG's last point, the fact that your oldest brother is being supportive is an indicator that your family is on the right track. There's still more good news than bad in your situation.

We all see bits of ourselves in our siblings. I'm not a twin but had a couple of sets in my group of friends growing up. Some of the stereotypes are true. They can share a stronger connection and do seem to know what the other is thinking and feeling. Maybe this is the first time your twin has felt truly out of sync with you, and that might rattle him to point of pushing back. At 15, we can hardly judge him as an adult. As GG said, he's being a brat. But I'm not sure that's his permanent state. Every year will bring epic changes. He'll be a different person next year, and the year after that.

For now, just do what you can to let him know that he can still trust you. But also coolly inform him that his taunting isn't acceptable. Above all, he should respect your privacy and let you manage this information with your friends on your own. If not, that's a deal breaker.

I'll go one dangerous step further in my response, though. I don't know if you are fraternal or identical twins. If you are identical, then you share your genetic makeup. Both GG and I are believers in the gay gene (that it's not a choice). I'm just saying that the odds of a person being gay seem to be much higher if they have a gay twin. This does NOT mean that he is gay -- still probably not -- but you shouldn't be shocked if someday you run into him at a Pottery Barn outlet.

I could throw you a bunch of links to research, but I'm too scared to google "gay teen twins" and end up on yet another government watchlist. Oh, heck, here's a wikipedia link to get you started.

Maybe he knows or guesses at these odds and is just reacting out of fear of being pre-judged. "They've always been soooo alike, and did every single thing together, and now one of them is gay, so...."

Gay or straight (did I mention -- probably straight), maybe he's struggling with identity issues of his own now. I'm willing to transfer a smaller portion of sympathy to him, too.

Standard Straight Guy remedy applies: Take extra time and cut back on drama wherever possible. Good luck.

MORE GAY GUY SAYS: I agree with SG on the gene machine. I didn't want to write about it but SG thought it would be helpful to you. Do some searching to find solid information. That is to say, nothing from YouTube. I totally agree with SG that maybe your twin knows about the gene research, and he is feeling way uncomfortable, wherever his orientation lies. Keep the faith and please stay in touch.

AnothER Good Straight Guy

2011-08-16T22:58:00.000-04:00

Straight Guy,

Once again, thanks for carrying the load here. I am feeling pretty burnt out. Work's a pain, too much going on, nothing gets accomplished. Don't know how you do it,

To top it all off, I am hunting and pecking across the keyboard with two fingers because my right hand is in a splint. Nothing major--much worse looking than the problem. Fractured a finger and need to keep it immobile for a while. Getting fixed up took three hours in the ER, an X-ray, and about three yards of gauze.

During my ER time, I was a few yards away from a woman patient accompanied by a boyfriend. He gave straight guys everywhere a good name: very gentle, never stopped reassuring her (she was high drama) and had her little purse in his lap the whole time. Nice.

The ER is a freaky place. This one is in the high-rent section of town and it still gave me the creeps.

--Gay Guy

GG|SG Advice Week: Thanks for Sharing

2011-08-16T05:44:00.013-04:00

We're reposting a few questions from readers this week. If you have a question, leave a comment or send us an e-mail. Anonymous questions allowed and encouraged.

Question from a reader (June 2009):

I met a straight guy (I'll call him Mark) at a men's personal growth workshop (1 day). Of the ten men there, I was the only gay guy. We all shared on some personal issues... most were struggling with relationship with a woman or their father/mother. I shared on the loss of my partner four years ago. They were all pretty cool and wanted to see the medal that I had which depicted my partner and me together.

Anyway, Mark and I shared some stuff that just resonated with each other... parallels between his breakup with his girlfriend and his struggle with his father. After the session he passed me a note saying that he could sense that my partner was with me. I gave him a small self-growth paperback that I had with me (which I had planned to give to him before his note to me).

We have emailed each other twice over the last few months since the retreat. For a straight guy, he freely shares about his own struggle with his life and father, etc. He is always hopeful in his sharing... hopeful about changes for himself, etc. I feel very privileged for this and want to keep up this relationship.... especially since I really don't have any straight friends with whom I have shared in this manner. My challenge is that I am afraid... afraid of trying so hard to have this relationship, afraid of rejection, etc, etc. (I know that some of this is possibly trying to make up for my life loss of a deeper acceptance by straight guys.) He said in his last email that he might want to get together for lunch sometime.

Any helpful suggestions or insights would be greatly appreciated.

Hanging in there.

--H.

P.S. I am much older than him, so maybe he might see me as a person with some additional lifetime experience?? Not sure.

GAY GUY RESPONDS:

Sorry to take some time to get back to you. Both SG and I have been out of town.

I hope that in the meantime you've gone ahead and had lunch with "Mark." He sounds like a gem of a guy, and I hope you are seizing the opportunity for a new friendship in your life.

I'm not a therapist, but here is how I would talk about this issue with a friend: We are all afraid of rejection, maybe that wound and fear that lives in each of us never completely heals. But, objectively speaking, Mark is signaling that he wants more with you. He's shared some e-mails, asked you to lunch, shows that he "gets" you.

I'm interested in a phrase that you used: that you are "afraid of trying so hard to have this relationship." I don't think you have to try -- it seems to be rolling out in front of you like a red carpet. Is it trying so hard to have the relationship, or wanting so much to have it.

My advice is, not to be too blunt, to get out of your own way here, and get a lunch or an after work beer on the calendar. Just accept this positive development and welcome it into your life.

Not sure what you mean by life loss of acceptance by straight guys, but, whatever you mean, I suspect it's a hangover from childhood. I think I have some trust issues with straight men, too, but I've found real joy from letting go and moving forward. We all grow up, don't we?

Much as I, with humor, use this forum to reinforce stereotypes of straight men as beer drinking, sports watching, emotionally stunted man-childs, they aren't. Straight Guy is a real gem, so are my friends John and David. My life is better with them in it. And, they "get" me better than some of my gay guy friends do.

Jump onto the red carpet Mark is rolling over to you. Let me know how it goes.

STRAIGHT GUY RESPONDS:

I don't see any need to fear rejection, when he's the one inviting you to lunch. If two people, who have room in their lives for new friends, find and connect with each other, then great. It might be temporary, or it might be long term, who knows? The one thing that will kill it is worrying too much.

I will say that the first thing that they should have taught you in a personal growth seminar for men (never been, sorry), is that you should always be moving away from unnecessary drama. It can be a self-indulgent trap. Right now I get the sense that your friendship is based on sharing your emotional selves, and sooner or later, someone will tire of that. Find some balance between sharing your deepest thoughts and, I don't know, playing pool or building a deck or something. Find something in common other than your inner struggles.

Not to minimize your (or anyone's) grief, but the goal is to respectfully move on at some point, right? Nothing better than having a good, trustworthy, friend to help you do that. Use them as counsel and confidant, sure, but also let them be a distraction from your inner monologue, and most importantly, trust them to tell you when it's time to buck up.

Buck up, dude.

GG|SG Advice Week: The Massage to Nowhere

2011-08-15T04:58:00.000-04:00

We're reposting a few questions from readers this week. If you have a question, leave a comment or send us an e-mail. Anonymous questions allowed and encouraged.

Question from a reader (September 2008):

My roommate and I are best friends. To the point that we consider ourselves “platonic lovers” and really, a sort of couple. Also, we’re in a band together. The situation is weird to our friends, but we've learned to ignore all the questions. We don’t have sex, but we do sleep together and cuddle and massage each other. I'm the gay/bi one in the relationship. And sometimes I worry that the situation is more homoerotic than we like to think.

My friend has never given me the impression that he's turned on by our physical affection. And most of my closest friends in the past have been straight. Sort of intense “bromances.” So I don't think of sex and physical affection as linked. [I know this is probably some fear of intimacy quirk on my part...]

I don’t want to make my friend have same-sex desires. And I worry about his reputation being around me. And he has no previous history of being around gay guys. And I have spent very little time around men in “gay culture” settings. Question: are we kidding ourselves? One of our gal pals recently said “you two are in love, so have sex and get it over with.” Her comment pissed me off, but it stuck in my head.

The two of us are in love, in a way. But if we were to have sex, I’m very sure that our friendship would be ruined. But our “bonding time” -- as we refer to many hours spent in bed being physical but not sexual and chatting -- is suspicious to me. Yet him having a girlfriend only made him more affectionate. On the other hand, I get all my emotional and physical needs from him, so I don't even look at other guys. Am I in love but unable to face it?

I tell him I’m in love with him all the time. But I claim I don't want to have sex, and it's true. If you knew more about my sexual/romantic past with men and women you might understand more. Am I avoiding “the love task” by turning my friendships with straight guys into substitutes for real romance? In the past I consistently turned down approaches by straight guys who are curious. Then I have sought out sex with gay men I don't care about.

Just writing this email makes me feel weird. I know that life and love are sloppy… that all relationships are unique. And that you don't really know us, so it's hard to have input. But I thought the two of you might.

Anyway, just wanted your input.

STRAIGHT GUY RESPONDS:

Oh, cripes. Your roommate has my subpar gaydar screaming like an air raid siren. Same with my dramadar, re: you. The fact that you are in a band means NOTHING. The fact that you felt the need to mention it up front speaks volumes about your need for attention.

Anyway, who knew two mostly-gay dudes could cock-block each other into a masochistic stalemate? Instead of someone, anyone, making a move, you're putting all of your effort into maintaining an anguishing status quo. Maybe it's time to rip off the bandaid.

At some point, the bed-sharing, cuddling, and massaging (air raid! air raid!) gets to be too much for the rest of your friends to bear. You're living full-time in the boring, dialog-heavy, porn movie set-up that everyone hates (anything before the boom-chicka-wah-wah!). What your "gal pal" (ugh) meant to say was, "Get a room!" She's doing you a favor by trying to hit fast-forward.

Tip 1: No unattached adult is ever ambivalent about getting snuggled and rubbed in bed. If you haven't immediately jumped up and left the room, you're either turned on, being abused, or both. So, your roommate is either gay, bi, or catatonic.

Tip 2: Your roommate is more affectionate with you when he has a "girlfriend" because that's the only time he has cover, an alibi, and can better manage his denial.

Tip 3: This is one of the rare scenarios where getting wasted may be the solution rather than the problem. What happens when his inhibitions are lowest and you finally shut the eff up?

Tip 4: People who put "the love task" in quotes never get laid. Ever. Oh, crap!

Maybe you are damaged goods. I'm sorry, but who isn't? Maybe he's never coming out of his closet. Sorry about that, too. But don't trick yourself into thinking that you are complicated AND unique. You are in love with someone who might not be in love with you... yet. Wait, that's every romantic comedy ever made. How do they end, again? Personally, I know of many successful, long-term, romantic relationships initiated by "ruining the friendship."

It's really not about sexual orientation. You're obviously compatible and certainly sound gay or bi enough to me. It's about taking a chance and hoping for the best. I had a similar massage-to-nowhere problem with a girl in 8th grade. I made a move. Epic fail. It still hurts, but I wouldn't change a thing. Better to have groped and lost, than to have never groped at all.

All in all, I'm still betting on this relationship outlasting the band, which, I am absolutely sure, sucks.

What do you think GG?

GAY GUY RESPONDS:

Let me tell you a little story:

A couple of years ago, I dated a guy for about a month. Like a lot of things that start out red hot, it went cold fast. We, in the way that gay men do, stayed friends. Quite sincerely friends, as in zero lingering sexual tension. One evening he came over to watch TV -- to be precise a State of the Union address, which I specify only because that it must be the most sexless hour broadcast on TV in the course of a year. My TV was in the bedroom. See where this is going?

There we were, stretched out on my bed, fully clothed, shoes still on, not touching. We barely lasted five minutes before we had to call it off. It wasn't some whiff of prior desire raising its head. Lying within a yard of each other was just plain freaky and uncomfortable.

My point: Adult male friends do not sleep together, cuddle, or give massages to each other. Especially if at least one of them is straight. "Bonding time" is based on shared interests not shared body warmth. Adult men do not offer or accept cuddles or massages to anyone unless we mean business.

Here's a free life lesson for you: With the exception of going to work, a funeral, or wearing a sweater your mom knits you, people pretty much do what they want to do. Meaning your pal is exactly where he wants to be, doing exactly what he wants to do -- and so are you. You' re responsible for you own happiness; the only way you are cuddling up without knowing you are hurting yourself is if you are wearing an orange jumpsuit and missing your two front teeth.

I know my share about unrequited love, so in sympathy and with compassion, let me give you some tough love, step by step:

Your roommate has never let you know he's turned on by your mutual physical affection? He's not exactly pushing you away.

You cannot make someone else have same-sex desires. . . any kind of desire for that matter. If making same-sex desire was possible, I'd be lubing up with Michael Phelps.

Many hours spent in bed with you, then revs it up when he's dating a girl? Dr. Freud, call your office, you have a message.

Have you never checked him out during some of your massage sessions to see if he's throwing some wood? Never? Are you kidding me?

Yes, to answer your question, you are kidding yourself. You're not happy and you are not getting your emotional and physical needs met.

You tell him repeatedly that you are in love with him and he hasn't replied with a "Let's just keep it 'het'" conversation?

Sure, he's confused. Very confused. And so are you. I think you need to tell him the truth and ask for his truth in return. Maybe check in with a little therapy first. And, I mean that really kindly.

You asked for our input for a reason, which I assume is because we are a straight guy and a gay guy. Yep, Straight Guy has long been my best friend. I'd do anything I could for him, support him in any joy, sorrow, or trial. However, this does not include shaving his back.

Bert and Ernie Are Just Friends!

2011-08-12T16:55:00.000-04:00

Gay Guy,

More than 7,000 fans want to see Bert and Ernie come out and get hitched. Here's a clip from last week's petition on change.org:

"They [kids] need to know that acceptance of their fellow human beings would indeed plant a seed of peace that will reverberate throughout the world. We are not asking that Sesame Street do anything crude or disrespectful. Only that they allow Bert & Ernie to marry or even add a transgender character to the show. It can be done in a tasteful way. Let us teach tolerance of those that are different."

Here's Sesame Street's formal response:

"Bert and Ernie are best friends. They were created to teach preschoolers that people can be good friends with those who are very different from themselves. Even though they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics (as most Sesame Street Muppets™ do), they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation."

That seems about right to me. Besides, the wider Muppet family is full of variety, including the sexual kind. I guess that includes Gonzo's chicken fetish. In fact, we reported on openly gay Muppets in one our early posts (Mr. Piggy is a Diva, Too). But that show (Logo's Tinseltown) went nowhere.

Besides, who wants to see a "tasteful" wedding on Sesame Street? That's not how it works. Let's see Cookie Monster attack the wedding cake, and Grover as the worst server in the catering crew.

--Straight Guy

Gay/Straight Viral Video: John Stamos' Guide to Cuddling

2011-08-11T13:10:00.000-04:00

Lauging at? Or laughing with?

Stamos is the spokesman for Project Cuddle, which works to protect and prevent abandoned babies. So maybe we'll cut him some slack.

--Straight Guy

Things Straight Guy Hates Immediately: Cosmo for Men

2011-08-10T20:04:00.001-04:00

Gay Guy,

Let me know if you have any interest in paying for the new "Cosmo for Guys."

It's a special e-reader version of the magazine targeted just for men. Look, I'll admit to reading a few articles from magazines like this when they've crossed my path. I'm sure women aren't above reading Men's Health, Esquire, or even Maxim if they find it in the waiting room, either.

I'm sure Cosmo has some of the beast headline writers in the biz. "Whisper This During Sex: The Hottest Thing You Can Say to a Naked Woman." Hells yeah, I'm intrigued. But would I subscribe for "$1.99 per issue, $3.99 per month or $19.99 per year"? That's laughable.

Cosmopolitan Magazine has a well-deserved reputation for sex polls and body image quizzes that make their target readers feel very inadequate (and consequently, hungry for more information). They also happen to objectify women way more than many men's magazines. Not just my opinion, I verified this with a female associate today.

My quick take: Cosmo is skanky know-it-all gossip. Sometimes she's fun to hang out with, but you won't feel good about yourself later. Maybe it's a great purchase at an airport newsstand, but you don't want to fill your bookshelf with back issues.

Now they want to come after guys, too? Cosmo claims that we're asking for it. According to them, men "frequently tell us that they love reading Cosmo because they're fascinated about what makes females tick and they want to know how to better please the women in their life."

Of course we're fascinated. But we aren't asking you for help, Cosmo.

Readers, help me out here. Alarming trend or guilty pleasure? Any women's magazines you WOULD like to see reworked for male audiences?

--Straight Guy

Ad Watch Update: SoBe, Surfrider, Chill Milk, Durex, Nissan

2011-08-02T19:13:00.002-04:00

Readers,

Just uploaded a bunch of new stuff to the Gay Ads | Straight Ads tumblr. Something for everyone. Objectification in every flavor. That's not a blanket criticism, by the way.

I showed GG a couple of these, including the interactive Kate Upton SoBe staring contest. He had no idea who she was (answer: girl-next-door-type recently launched into supermodel sensation) and the conversation ground to a halt when he declared that "She's rather plain, isn't she?"

Oh, Gay Guy. Promise you'll never change.

Readers, check them out and let us know what you think.

--Straight Guy

P.S.: The Surfrider foundation calendar (objectification for a cause!) is updated for 2011 and they took our 2010 criticisms to heart.

Checking In... About Checking Out

2011-07-28T21:28:00.001-04:00

Straight Guy,

Thanks for bearing the load on the website. I've been pretty checked out of late. Things are fine, but I am cranky these days.

It's furnace hot here, I'm off my gym routine and on the wrong side of 160 lbs., work's busy and the new boss is a learning curve, my dad had a trip to the ER and a hospital overnighter, I haven't seen some important friends for a while, and I'm disgusted that my government can't get its shit together about this impending debt crisis but have to admit it looks too much like my own financial management for comfort. Wah, wah, wah. You get the idea.

Without doubt there are things that make me happy. Of course, number one on the list is that same-sex couples began marrying in New York State on Sunday. Read more. That's huge--both in terms of its importance and that New York is a huge state. That's a lot of wedding presents (Crate and Barrel thanks you) and more importantly lots of new couples and millions of people being influenced in new and personal ways.

I got my first save-the-date wedding card for a New York wedding. Makes me happy.

--Gay Guy

Boys Do Cry: 'The Champ' Takes Title as Saddest Movie, EVER

2011-07-26T22:19:00.006-04:00

Gay Guy,

I'd guess that you've seen a Zeffirelli film for two. Ever seen "The Champ?"

I'm a sucker for boxing movies of all kinds, and even fell for the FX series "Lights Out" this spring. Anyway, "The Champ" is NOT a great film. It suffers greatly from Jon Voight's over-stylized performance as a down-on-his-luck boxer seeking one last shot at redemption (aren't they all?).

Spoiler alert. The film takes an intense turn in its tragic finale, when the son (a very young Ricky Schroder) witnesses the death of his father after a fight. "Wake up, Champ!," he cries as he cuddles and prods the lifeless body of his now redeemed father.

I embedded a 10-minute version below. Skip to 4:30 for the really tough stuff. How much can you take?

Smithsonian Magazine has a write-up on the detailed research that identified this scene as the saddest ever made. The process took years. It's especially hard to test the impact of negative emotions (fear, anger, sadness) without stepping outside of ethical guidelines. How do you make a subject sad without hurting or deceiving them? That's where movies come in...

"The Champ seems to be very effective in eliciting fairly pure feeling states of sadness and associated cognitive and behavioral changes."

GG, Readers, what's the saddest movie you've ever seen?

--Straight Guy

Link: Smithsonian: The Saddest Movie in the World

Fashion Watch: Too Hot and Not Cool

2011-07-23T17:50:00.003-04:00

Gay Guy,

Did you see the article in today's Washington Post on the rigid dress codes for the men of Capitol Hill? They refuse to strip down from their dark suits, even when the heat index hits an all-time high.

Here's a quote: "He does not begrudge his uniform. He relishes the corporate noose. ... His cuffs stay buttoned. His jacket, unruffled. ... Washington men do not bow to Apollo. Our sun kings never relinquish the suit."

You know that I'm not on the same page, GG. If there's a casual fringe of a dress code, that's where you'll find me. When it gets this hot, rules have to bend even further. I heard through reliable sources that you wore shorts to the office yesterday. I'm proud of you.

One of the quoted proponents of traditional style says "wearing a suit is a point of pride. It implies you’re doing something important. ... Can you imagine the president coming out to talk about the economy in khakis and a golf shirt?”

Of course I can.

I'm on the same page as the fashion expert from GQ. (Wow, that never happens.) He says "I think most men know if you dress for the weather, it shows that you have common sense... People are looking for that in management... Politicians shouldn’t be sweating. It makes them look untrustworthy."

--Straight Guy

LINK: Washington Post: Heat wave hits Washington, but its men remain armored in their suits

Things Straight Guy Hates Immediately: The Steve Buscemi Dress

2011-07-22T15:43:00.001-04:00

Gay Guy,

I don't hate Steve Buscemi. I like him and his work. Dang, he was Mr. Pink in Reservoir Dogs! Randall in Monsters, Inc.! Ghost World! The list goes on and on.

I'll be kind about Mr. Buscemi's appearance and simply point out that the man is a character actor for a reason.

I understand the irony of putting a mug like that on a body hugging mini dress. (How's a guy supposed to get turned on staring into giant Buscemi eyes?) Doesn't mean I have to like it.

Don't worry. Straight guys appreciate irony, we just can't think about too many things at once.

This is spun off a recent internet trend where photoshoppers pasted Buscemi eyes onto attractive faces. Ha. Ha. It's funny because they aren't pretty anymore. (OK, so I giggled at a couple of those, myself.) Anyway, the dress was created by edgy fashion house Black Milk, but just as it gained web notoriety, it's disappeared from their web catalog. Probably another victim of copyright enforcement, and now for completist Buscemi collectors, only.

Readers, if you are stuck on this sexy/notsexy/sexy theme and need a new idea, may I interest you in a zombie bikini?

--Straight Guy

Update To Yesterday's Post: Bachmann Pinging Multiple Gaydars

2011-07-15T19:20:00.007-04:00

Gay Guy,

Need your expertise here.

An article on today's Slate digs deeper into the public "outing" of Michelle Bachmann's husband, Marcus. He runs a Christian counseling service that has provided "pray the gay away" therapies to troubled clients (Well, he denies this, but past patients confirm it). He's also publicly made the claim that gays are just "barbarians" that need to be educated, disciplined, and civilized. The problem is that he "reads gay" to many observers (Check out Cher's Twitter stream -- what's her credibility with gays? Does she know a few?).

The article is headlined, "Read my Lisp," and is critical of the Daily Show's snap-judgement snark-fest. "He's not just gay, he's center square gay!" (See yesterday's post for video).

Here's a quote from Slate: "Marcus Bachmann, husband of Republican presidential candidate Rep. Michele Bachmann, is setting off gaydar alarms. It started as a subtle joke among bloggers. Then it progressed to parody and overt insinuation. ... There's nothing new about calling somebody gay based on a lisp or a girlish gait. We all saw, did, or suffered it in grade school. What's unusual is seeing grown-up gays and liberals do it in 2011 with such open ridicule. But don't worry: The new queer-hunters are progressive. They detect homosexuality based on science, not stereotypes."

The article then gets bogged down in a dissection of studies on the effectiveness of gaydar. Does it exist? And, does it work? (Yes and surprisingly well, by the way. But no, it's not perfect.)

Is Marcus Bachmann gay? Or, an ex-gay, himself? Don't know. The Bachman's have had a long marriage and five biological children. They've foster-parented many others. Sounds straight, right? (Rhetorical. Don't worry, I'm not that naive.)

Is it fair to call him gay just because his speech patterns and physical mannerisms "read" gay? Is it even an insult to make the insinuation? Well, if you believe that gays are barbarians, like he does, then I suppose it is.

I think that there's a room in the discourse for professional humorists to point out irony and potential hypocrisy from public figures. I'm sure it hurts a guy like Bachmann, and those who follow him. But his own words on the topic have caused so much pain that he can't now turn around and claim that he's the one being bullied.

Here's the meanest thing I have to say on this. IF being gay is a choice that can be corrected (as the Bachmanns believe), then "reading" gay should be an even easier fix. So why can't this guy modify his mannerisms and wave, dance, hug, walk, and talk like a "real" man? Hmmm...

--Straight Guy

Media Watch: Daily Show's Jon Stewart on Michelle & Marcus Bachmann

2011-07-14T18:37:00.001-04:00

Gay Guy, Readers,

Here's The Daily Show's takedown on the Bachmann's clinic and their "pray the gay away" therapies. With some tough love from Jerry Seinfeld, who counsels Jon that "Comedy is a choice. You weren't born this way!"

Is there a way to get Bachmann the nomination now, but keep all of this stuff quiet until the general election? That would work better for me.

--Straight Guy

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Field of Dongs

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Comedy Repression Therapy

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

Bronies - Grown Men and Fans of "My Little Pony"

2011-07-12T20:17:00.001-04:00

Gay Guy,

Last month, the Underwire blog at Wired.com ran a feature on the men who love My Little Pony. LINK

Yes, My Little Pony. The comb-able collectables for little girls launched by Hasbro in the 1980s. These dudes follow the adventures of Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight Sparkle. And they have no shame about it.

Quote: "So, why the breathless adoration? Some fans say the show’s appeal lies in good illustration, excellent characters or, as Allen put it, a 'perfect storm of ’80s nostalgia and cultural irony.'"

They are talking about the newest incarnation of the show, which is spun from the mind of Lauren Faust, the creator of the "Powerpuff Girls," which also found an audience larger than the target market. Here's her take on the Pony phenomenon: "“The fact that ... they were open-minded and cool enough and secure in their masculinity enough to embrace it and love it and go online and talk about how much they love it — I’m kind of proud.”

Not sure where this blog post goes from here. How can I ridicule and celebrate these guys at the same time? Readers?

--Straight Guy

Ad Watch: Hugh Gets Skin Like Dew

2011-07-08T12:27:00.014-04:00

Straight Guy,

Hugh Laurie's gone uber-Metrosexual as a newly recruited spokesmodel for L'Oreal Paris' guy line of products. Read all about it.

Oh, the inhumanity when the gruff, sarcastic and ironic go pretty . . . because they're worth it.

And I thought I was edging it with my Aveeno moisturizer in the winter. Regular moisturizer that is, not Positively Radiant or Ultra Calming. Okay, a weekly scrub with some lava-like cream made from imported kiwi seeds or something like that.

Guys, are Hugh Laurie's pores making the gay/straight skin care line blurry? What's your routine? Be honest. Female readers: What do you wish your man would do for his face?

--Gay Guy

Media Watch: Dirty Minds Think Alike

2011-07-07T17:45:00.000-04:00

Straight Guy,

Fellow blogger Torque Story forwarded the following web post. File it under "weird but wonderful."

Quote: "You need to have a dirty mind to be in the business of mass communications. Or, at the very least, you need someone with a dirty mind on your staff. Because you do not want to give the sixth grader in all of us this kind of viral amusement."

--Gay Guy

Media Watch: Steve Martin and Alec Balwin Gay Marriage Proposal

2011-07-06T13:05:00.001-04:00

A little fun to celebrate the legalization of gay marriage in New York late last month.

--Straight Guy

Ad Watch: Gay Ads to Watch

2011-07-01T12:11:00.000-04:00

Straight Guy,

Ad Week published "50 Gayest Ads Ever" this week.

I'm pleased that we've posted several of these ads over the years here on our site.

I should probably be offended by the Travelocity clip above: it's full of gay stereotypes. But I snickered all the way through and that's enough of a vote of endorsement for me. Readers--anyone offended?

Ad Week tracked great range of commercials--funny, touching, sad, weird, campy, old, recent. When you click to view, you often have to sit through an ad first, but it's worth it. Note: Straight Guy is angry that "you have to watch an ad to what an ad!"

It's hard to me pick a fave, but I am partial to No. 50. Maybe it's the sound track. Maybe it's the sophisticated, slightly film noir quality. Maybe it's my feeling of kinship with a man (or woman) who's lived with a a slob.

Readers: What your favorite?

Remember folks, Straight Guy does a dynamite job of tracking ads himself on our companion website, Gay Ads/Straight Ads.

--Gay Guy

City Watch: Things Gay Guy Would Love to See More Often

2011-06-30T11:14:00.001-04:00

Straight Guy,

The crazy work load and stress continues, so any break feels great these days.

This sign was taped to a lamp post in my neighborhood. It made me smile. My neighborhood is full of quirks, which I often forget to appreciate.

Love the phrase, "I call the maracas." It's my new go-to response to anything annoying.

--Gay Guy

Gay Card: It's a Fact

2011-06-21T16:39:00.000-04:00

Straight Guy,

Like a lot of gay guys, I've always joked about the gay card--the acknowledgment that you're gay enough to be in the club. A card can be revoked or at least questioned, as in: "Can you believe that he has no interest in musical theater. We'll have to take away his gay card."

Today, I learned that the gay card is real.

Click here to take a quiz. I scored 48 the first time, only 40 on the second try. What gives?

--Gay Guy

Gift to Gay Guy: My Daguerreotype Boyfriend

2011-06-20T17:50:00.003-04:00

Gay Guy,

I know you love historical photos.

There's a new Tumblr that celebrates "Where early photography meets extreme hotness."

The subjects may be long dead, but one reader notes that "the sexual tension between me and these photos is suffocating."

I won't comment except to say that Daguerreotype is an early photographic method involving silver, iodine, and mercury. (I took Graphics Shop I and II in high school and need to validate that educational experience. I learned a few things -- on and off syllabus -- and silkscreened many questionable t-shirts there.)

Here's the link: My Daguerreotype Boyfriend

--Straight Guy

P.S. See also the blog: Bangable Dudes in History. But don't stay up all night.

Comics Watch: Dagwood's New Charm Bracelet

2011-06-15T13:54:00.007-04:00

Gay Guy,

Check out today's Blondie strip.

Dagwood is in a jewelry shop. "Charm bracelets for men?! No thanks! Not a chance!" But by the final panel he's proudly showing off his new bling. Pinky up and everything.

The joke is a little interesting here. Is it that straight guys are just an easy sales target? Hypocrites? Or that our homophobia fades if we get the chance to truly express ourselves? Or that everyone just needs to be fabulous once in a while?

I'm not much for jewelry. I wear a plain wedding ring and have several wrist options from Timex, Inc. But these do exist, and manly charm options include skulls, guns, swords, and handcuffs(?).

--Straight Guy

Media Watch: Broadway Musical Theater is "Not Just for Gays Anymore"

2011-06-14T09:26:00.006-04:00

Gay Guy,

I missed the Tony Awards again this weekend. Sorry about that. But I was informed that the opening number was an effort to recruit heterosexuals like me to the theater. Here's the YouTube version of "It's Not Just for Gays Anymore."

Touché, Gays, Touché. We Straights will have to try harder. The last thing I saw was "Putnam County Spelling Bee" and that was about 10 years ago. Oh, and you took me to see "Avenue Q" when we were working in Las Vegas. Also good, but quite a while ago.

Can you get any good seats for "Book of Mormon?"

--Straight Guy

Things Straight Guy Hates Immediately: Cufts

2011-06-13T19:21:00.000-04:00

Cufts: Attaching the indispensable directly to the disposable. What can go wrong? Hey, do you also have a way to clip my car keys to this banana peel?

Back to the drawing board, Cufts.

(Note: Yes. You can wear them your wrist or ankle, which is smart. But this is how they are marketing it. Dumb.)

--Straight Guy

Viral Video: Gotta Dance! Gotta Dance!

2011-06-13T11:41:00.006-04:00

Straight Guy,

This past weekend was Gay Pride here. I was ready to write my annual post about my ambivalence about Pride. Plus last night was the Tony Awards, which is always good for a Pride/Tony Award gay-high-holy-days mash-up post.

But, so much better, into my lap fell this viral vid. Now THIS is something that gives me pride to the bone.

Spotlight dancer Robert Jeffrey released this video of himself at age 9 lip synching to Madonna's "Vogue" at a New Hampshire resort. It's hilarious and contagiously joyful.

I thrilled that his parents let him have such great fun at 9 and kept the video intact. My dad would have yanked me off of video shoot and/or burned the evidence. These parents action is the stuff that inspires Pride in me these days. Maybe I'm old and cranky.

Speaking of old and cranky --"Vogue" is 20 years old this year? Impossible.

--Gay Guy

Sunday Circular: He Got Clippy, and I Got Snippy

2011-06-08T00:22:00.001-04:00

Straight Guy,

I am slowly reconnecting to my "real" life, following vacation and then jumping into a whirlwind of work. (Readers--SG and I just came off major work drama, which is one more impediment to blogging.) I've steadily been getting chores crossed off the list and thus feeling less out of control.

One item on the to-do list was "coupons." You know that I love coupons. Clip, sort, save. Actually, I wish that manufacturers would just make stuff that costs less and skip all the consumer head games, but if you want to save me some cash, I'll play along. I try to stay up to date with the clipping, but yesterday I was staring down a sizable stack of Sunday inserts.

Easy, right?

So, it got interesting: I've been dating this guy for a couple of months, and he was over at my place last evening. He thinks there are too many things on my list. Sweet guy that he is, he volunteered to help me get through the coupons. I wasn't sure that he could be much help, but he thought he had a good handle on what I shop for. After a bad start -- 'someone' made a miscall on whether I might want a L'Oreal mascara wand coupon -- he did fine. Which is to say that he admitted defeat and switched to scanning for expired coupons.

I'm a brand loyalty guy. He's a "whatever's on sale" guy, which seems very butch to me.

I guess I'm surprised, because what seemed transactional turned out to be very personal. I like what I like and I just can't turn those decisions over to someone else. I won't compromise or settle in regards to the soaps or shampoos that touch my body. But anything goes when it comes to dishwasher detergent.

Readers, where will you or won't you compromise in the supermarket?

--Gay Guy

Ad Watch: Put It On! Put It On!

2011-05-28T17:41:00.000-04:00

Gay Guy,

A dutch media company spent the last few weeks (and a whole lot of resources) threatening commuters with this campaign.

Luckily (yeah, sure), a radio station stepped in at the last minute to purchase the space. We will never know whether that threat was idle or not (ho hum).

Clever or cruel? Everyone has a laugh at this guy's expense, but I'd guess that if this was a woman, the rules would change. That's all right, we can take it.

Turns out, this guy now has a fan-base... of sorts.

--Straight Guy

Ad Watch: Coming Home vs Coming Out

2011-05-23T23:14:00.000-04:00

Brothers? Friends? Boyfriends? I was going to post a few witty insights. But I can't top "That's Gay" from Infomania on Current TV (see below).

There's a lot more on our AdWatch Tumblr. New posts include bikers forced to hold hands for a Klondike Bar, a bad action movie for Dr. Pepper 10 (Not for Women!), and a Brut campaign that is cranky and mean (just like the men that use it).

Let us know what you think.

--Straight Guy

Hall of Badassery: Do-It-Yourself Levee

2011-05-20T19:32:00.000-04:00

From the Seattle Times:

A levee protects a home from the swollen Yazoo River. The flooded Mississippi River is forcing the Yazoo, a tributary, to back up where the two meet near Vicksburg, Miss. [photo: Getty Images]

I know that the need for this is tragic, and this photo only hints that there must be many other much sadder stories. But, dang, talk about taking matters into your own hands. I guess if you have the time and the tools, it is possible to take on Mother Nature.

--Straight Guy

Gay Guy Post Card

2011-05-20T03:26:00.003-04:00

Straight Guy,

Here's hoping that all is well with you. My vacay is the best! I am really happy. However, this European keyboard is a little hard to figure out. . . .

Rome is absolutely wonderful. History and beauty are everywhere. Churches, too. With churches come priests. Rome being the center of the Catholic world, priests are everywhere.

I know that I am shallow, and I know this will sound tragically shallow. . . but there are some hot priests here. Smoking hot. These guys could fill the pews back home. Young, too. There was one guy in all his priest garb, black shirt, collar, black jacket, wearing skinny jeans. Hot.

I even got the 2012 Hot Priests Calendar. This is completely legit. I am not making this up.

Shallow, I know. But, a travelogue is a travelogue.

Lest you fear, I have soaked of plenty of art, history and culture, and plenty of food. I am off for one last dose of ancient ruins before I take off for Florence tomorrow.

I will try to fire off another post soon.

--Gay Guy

Straight Guys Ruin Everything: Facebook Edition

2011-05-17T18:44:00.002-04:00

Readers,

Just launched: a 21st century version of the I-have-a-girlfriend-she's-from-Canada-you've-never-met-her scam.

Now, lonely and desperate guys can sign up for a fake "Cloud Girlfriend" to appear on their facebook page. The purpose is to make these guys more attractive to their real-life friends. Slogan: "The best way to get a girlfriend is to already have one."

Good luck, fellas. Here's a sample of the fakery that you'll have to build your story around: "I'm an international DJ and split my time between Miami, London and Paris. Sandy beaches by day and sweaty clubs by night, that's my life!"

Cripes, I'm tired of trying to keep up with this charade already. How come they never, I don't know... sell paint at Home Depot?

You might have a long shot at success. But I think you have a much greater chance at an emotionally scarring shame spiral when someone eventually cracks the code. And, do you really want to date someone who was easily conned by this? Do you want to internalize these lies for the rest of your life? Because, face it, it won't seem funny or charming when you have to reveal your methods somewhere down the line.

So, Ladies, when a socially awkward dude starts receiving racy facebook posts from a mysterious hottie with an incompatible lifestyle, call him on it. But if he brings home a girl's number on a Sherwin-Williams color swatch, feel free to get a little jealous.

--Straight Guy

Media Watch: The Ambiguously Gay Duo -- They're ALIVE!

2011-05-16T12:01:00.003-04:00

Readers,

Over the weekend, John Hamm, Steve Carell, Steven Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, and Ed Helms participated in a live-action twist of SNL's long-running cartoon segment (Carell and Colbert have been the voices of Ace and Gary since the 90s).

The Ambiguously Gay Duo, Ace and Gary, continue to thwart mega-villain Big Head's dastardly plots, but the main point of the sketch has always been the innuendo laced action and dialogue ("Ram it in the dumpster!") and the subsequent confusion and distraction of the bad guys. "They're gay, right?!?" And like those bewildered henchmen, sometimes the audience just doesn't know how to react. Yes, there's a base reaction to the juvenile humor. But there's a deeper social commentary about how paralyzed the closed-minded can get when deprived of their labels, and that the homophobic always seem a little too interested, and probably have issues of their own. Yet, these villains' greatest fear is being labeled as homophobes, themselves. The fact that it's all wrapped up in a spot-on spoof of 70s superhero cartoon shows is just icing on the cake.

Like many of SNL's skits, this one goes on a minute or two too long. But, readers, let me know: Laughing at? Laughing with? Or not laughing at all?

--Straight Guy

Gaydar Check: Hail to the Chief

2011-05-13T18:45:00.001-04:00

Readers,

I'm getting back in the game after a few crazy weeks of work travel. I'll need to pick up the pace as GG is almost out the door for a fabulous vacation overseas. Safe travels, GG. (I'm proud to be your emergency contact. Though your passport photo is definitely a "straight guy special." We'll have to work on that.)

Readers, check out the photo above. Best Week Ever captions it: "Some guy met President Obama and went all Jim Jay Bullock on him, extending his wrist like the regal thing he is, while also giving his best OMFGGGFace."

Wow. Are Jim Jay Bullock references still effective at inferring super sassy gayness?

But yes, my sub-par gaydar pinged on this, too. Fair or foul?

--Straight Guy

Note: Blogger went down yesterday and my Sally Forth post (below) was lost and reposted. I think we lost some comments as they rebuilt the entire system. Sorry about that.

The Long, Sad, Slow Emasculation of Ted Forth

2011-05-13T12:46:00.008-04:00

Gay Guy,

I shouldn't care.

But like many liberals who listen to Rush Limbaugh, I, too, punish myself on a daily basis by reading the Sally Forth comic strip. It angers me daily. But I can't look away.

The strip chronicles the life of Sally Forth, her husband Ted, and their daughter, Hillary. The male authors (yes it takes two) present a bleak worldview where sarcasm is the primary mode of conversation. You'll know it's sarcasm not because the wordplay is particularly sharp, but because the characters address each other through sideways glances and with raised eyebrows.

The authors do what they can with their limited -- to put it kindly -- illustration skills. Major peeve: though they still haven't managed to master the core skill of cartoon facial expression, they continue to devote massive amounts of attention to the drape of characters' shirts.

Ted is hopeless. He is constantly diminished by ALL of the relationships in his life. He gets no respect, and frankly, deserves none. Yes, I hate just about everything about this strip. But it's gotten to the point where I have to wonder about the agenda of the authors. What do these guys have against Ted and men in general? There is a long, proud history of "loser dads" in the comic strips. But Ted makes Dagwood Bumstead look like a Renaissance man. At least Dagwood has mad sandwich skills... and Blondie.

Many critics insinuate that Ted's overall wussiness indicates that he is gay, and that he just needs to come out already. I don't equate weakness with gayness, but I will say this:

Man up, Ted. Man up.

--Straight Guy

P.S. I am always careful when complaining that I don't automatically assume that "I could do better than that!" But in the case of the Sally Forth strip, I'm really tempted.

Hi, Mom

2011-05-08T23:06:00.002-04:00

Straight Guy,

Just right for Mother's Day, here's a clip from the Fabulous Beekman Boys website. Watch the clip.

The Beekman Boys are Josh Kilmer-Purcell and Brent Ridge, two Manhattanites who turned their weekend place in the country into full-time farming, books, a Planet Green reality show, and a couple of Williams-Sonoma deals.

Got goat-milk soap?

The show is just okay -- the reality TV tone washes out a genuinely interesting story. But, I met Josh and Brent at a food fest this year, so that makes watching it fun. (Yes, I am a celebrity whore.)

In this clip, Josh's mom gives him a flavor of her long ago life as a single woman. Call the clip "cruising for man meat with mom." Nice.

--Gay Guy

"Touch My Junk!:" Gay Guy/Straight Guy Rallying Call

2011-05-03T14:21:00.000-04:00

Straight Guy,

Are you as wiped out as I am from our week-long work jaunt to San Francisco? I can barely keep my eyes open today.

I had even more fun with you than usual. The events may be never-ending with sharp highs and lows, but we work with a congenial group of colleagues and their camaraderie makes it go down easier.

A story: As we cabbed to our Nob Hill hotel on day one, I glanced out the window to see if the Nob Hill Theatre was still there -- and it is.

How to describe the "Knob" Hill Theatre, as we called it? Let's go to an expert source. The City Search site calls the Nob Hill a "male strip joint and gay pornography cinema featuring exotic stage and shower shows, erotic films and private viewing booths." A similar guide calls it the "premium place for porn and strippers strutting their stuff live and in-person." That about covers it.

The marquee says it all: "Touch Our Junk."

This became the expression of the week: "Touch our junk," "Touch your junk," "Touch my junk." Every time I disappeared to my room to catch up on e-mail or close my eyes for a few minutes, people acted like I had gone to the Nob Hill. I deflected with my best bemused, enigmatic smile. I think they were genuinely surprised that the theatre existed.

SG, sorry that we ran out of time before I could get you drunk and take you by for "Rookie Night." I know you would have been a hit. . . . and come home with a wad of singles. The brief visit by Mrs. Straight Guy tamped down my plan.

--Gay Guy

Gay Guy and Straight Guy's Very Own Tales of the City?

2011-04-26T11:42:00.000-04:00

Straight Guy,

Are you ready for San Francisco? I am not, and that plane leaves mighty early tomorrow.

Readers, as you may know, or can tell by our limited ability and energy to do much blogging of late, GG and SG have been drowning in work. Besides the usual flow, we are working on and staffing one of our employer's major events of the year. It's a complicated story, but think of it as an huge group of investors and potential investors. Yikes! We are old hands at it, but somehow it feels new each year--and deadlines keep rolling in.

The four-day event, comically called a "weekend," takes us to San Francisco this year. Don't get the idea that this is some junket: there's a little play but mostly it's all work. Plus a few dinners that take advantage of the city's legendary food.

Gay Guy will be tempted to explore some of San Francisco's gay night (and day) life. Even the raunchy kind. (GG has a habit of showing a different side of his tame personality out of town. Think of me as an anthropological tourist. ) Okay, raunchy is an exaggeration. I'm far too tidy and hygiene focused to visit a peep show or strip joint and wonder who has been sitting in the chair doing what.

My recent trips to SF show that it is a far cry and far cleaner since his first trip a long time ago. The Tenderloin is gone. The Castro has quieted down. I'm glad I saw them in action once.

We'll try to get some post up from the road.

--Gay Guy

P.S.: If any of you don't recognize the allusion in the headline today, you owe it to yourself to check out the Tales of the City series, plus DVDs, by Armistead Maupin. A wonderful, touching and funny view of gay life in San Francisco.

Gay Marriage Support is in the Majority (By a Whisker)

2011-04-21T13:28:00.000-04:00

Straight Guy,

I'm excited about the CNN poll released this week showing that the majority of people surveyed --51 percent-- say that "marriages between gay and lesbian couples should be recognized by the law as valid." Read a New York Times story.

Great news. I could go on for paragraphs about this, but I'm sidetracked by the graphic. Is it just me or does the graphic look phallic to anyone else?

--Gay Guy

Product Watch: The Angry Stick

2011-04-18T21:44:00.001-04:00

Gay Guy,

Mrs. Straight Guy recently got me some new deodorant. And no, she wasn't hinting at anything. I think it was just on sale. No big deal. I'm not really brand loyal in the bathroom. Whatever works.

This morning I gave it a second look for some reason. This design is nutty. With those raised corners on the cap, I get the feeling that my deodorant is angry... and maybe a little evil.

Or is it just me?

I'm sure the design is just an attempt to stand out on the crowded shelves. But really, such an odd choice considering the product found underneath the cap actually curves the opposite way.

Who wants to cram something pointy into their arm pits? Is Gillette that desperate to seem edgy and aggressive? It has horns!

--Straight Guy

Things Gay Guy Spends Too Much Time On: HGTV

2011-04-15T00:30:00.001-04:00

Straight Guy,

My life has been freaky busy of late. I know work's been rough for you, too; I can hear your jaw clenching all the way from your office. Handy to work down the hall from each other, right?

It's causing a noticeably bad affect on my blogging. When I get home from work, plus maybe the gym or tonight the theater, I'm too drained for blogging. I'm only good for the restorative power of red wine and HGTV.

I love HGTV and the like. Sell my house, buy my house, landscape my house, decorate my house, you name it, I'll watch it. The website it loaded with good tips, too.

My home and garden projects are fairly limited; this week they are pot up the containers of flowers for the deck and change two light bulbs, but it involved a couple of manly man trips to the hardware store. I keep the work to a minimum--nothing that involves a circular saw.

But I love to watch other people work. Love to watch them stress over their properties. Love those landscaper/carpenter dudes and their tool belts. That Carter Oosterhouse can steam off my wall paper and I don't event have any.

HGTV matters to Gay Guy beyond its entertainment value. It's where you go to watch gay people doing regular stuff, like compute square footage of floor tile, unclog drains and bicker with each other because buying a house is stressful. HGTV is good about featuring diversity; it's where you'll find a significantly higher number of diverse people featured than much of the rest of TV.

This NPR reports tells how HGTV has intentionally made a point to feature a diverse population. Listen to the file.

Thanks, HGTV.

-Gay Guy

Things Straight Guy Hates Immediately: $100 Nail "Klhippers"

2011-04-13T20:16:00.003-04:00

Gay Guy,

This is Klhip. Looks nice. Costs close to 100 bucks. Never buy me one of these.

Don't be taken in by the sleek, steely, aesthetic. Most especially, don't be swayed by claims of improved ergonomics and effortless cutting. Let's face it... If you're working up a sweat sawing off your funky toenails, you need to see a podiatrist -- and to stop wearing open-toed sandals, stat.

Otherwise, humanity solved the ergonomics of nail clipping many decades ago, and the solution costs a dollar or two.

You might start to think by the accumulated list of things I hate immediately that I am against luxury or indulgence of any kind. That is so not true. But save it for travel, art, food, sports, hobbies (video games count here), or, if you must, fashion. Don't blow your disposable income on items available at Rite-Aid... except for prescribed mood-altering medication, of course.

I know a couple of guys who, with a good plan and 100 bucks, might be able to get laid this weekend. Or, they could stay home and cut their toenails with Klhips.

--Straight Guy

Note that I am not linking to Klhip, but rather to Amazon, where you can get a pack of 72 (!!) name-brand clippers for $28... rated 4 stars and, at that price, practically disposable. Link.

Hall of Badassery: Cold Water Surfing

2011-04-11T20:03:00.001-04:00

I've been to Duluth. This is not in the brochure.

If Red Bull ever offers me a sponsorship, remind me to think twice.

Check out the icicles on his face. Was no one worried about frostbite? Or, more importantly, permashrinkage?

--Straight Guy

Older entries into the Hall of Badassery can be found here.

Web Watch: 3eanuts... Less is more

2011-04-04T19:54:00.000-04:00

Gay Guy,

You know I'm a comics guy, and Peanuts is still the gold standard. (Wikipedia check: 18,000 strips for 300 million readers in 21 languages.) Critics find him repetitive and a sellout, but it's not that simple.

Schulz was a man of melancholy who famously quipped that he woke up everyday "to a funeral-like atmosphere." It's a long sad story that leads many (including me) to the conclusion that his depression was a cornerstone of his success. There was plenty of gentle humor in the Peanuts strip, but the recurring themes were always loneliness, doubt, and rejection. Charlie Brown never wins because "Happiness is not funny."

Anyway, there's a new 3eanuts Tumblr with simple premise:

"Charles Schulz's Peanuts comics often conceal the existential despair of their world with a closing joke at the characters' expense. With the last panel omitted, despair pervades all."

I'm hooked. It's a little trick that reveals a lot. Here's a couple more...

--Straight Guy

Clip, Save . . . Risk the Wrath of the Line?

2011-04-03T18:28:00.000-04:00

Straight Guy,

I just committed what you consider to be a grocery store felony. No, not asking, again, if they are called Greek olives because that is just a name, like English peas, or whether they are actually from Greece, but finishing up paying by using a wad of coupons.

You hate coupons. At least I no longer risk your personal code orange of using coupons plus writing a check. (Don't get behind my mother in a grocery line, is all I can say. You have been warned.)
I love coupons. I pretty religiously clip and file them, though sometimes they stack up and I have to check to make sure they aren't already expired before I clip them. Over time, I've developed a fairly straightforward filing system: four broad categories, with dividers by month of expiration. I know, I know, this is making your flesh crawl, isn't it?

I saved 22 percent --$24.89 today--so it seems worth it to me, but I grant you that's only because I find it a game. I an early episode or pilot of Extreme Couponing on TLC. (SG, I don't know if you should click. This might be too extreme for you.) The folks on this show have rigor. . . and storage space. I am fascinated and repelled at the same time.

SG and readers: Who's a coupon saver and who can't be bothered? Is this a gay guy/straight guy divide? For the couples out there, is one of you tasked, officially or unofficially, with the grocery shopping and how does that fall gender-wise? I'm interested. Single people have no options.

--Gay Guy

Stop Me Before I Say, "I Told You So."

2011-03-31T22:42:00.000-04:00

Straight Gay,

Ouch.

The angry. They are among us.

--Gay Guy

Viral Vid: Sassy Gay Friend on March Madness

2011-03-31T10:25:00.001-04:00

Straight Guy,

I love this Sassy Gay Friend vid. He's broken out of the literary classics (Romeo & Juliet, Othello and Macbeth) to take on sports. It's March Madness! Or "March Crazy Times Tournament," per Sassy Gay Friend.

Readers, people are often surprised to find out that I like basketball. College basketball at least. Straight Guy and I are lucky to live in a good college basketball town with pretty reliable access to excellent seats. We end up catching three or four games together a season. Always fun. Straight Guy understands how the game is played, and knows why players get fouled, for example. I just take it all in. I like the excitement, speed and beauty of the game, plus great people watching. A good night of basketball is not that different than a good night of theater, just with nachos and beer.

I am part of our office basketball pool, which is pretty much a direct donation of $10 to the winner. My bracket looked pretty good for a while -- I was in the top half of the 40+ in the pool, but I don't have the guts to look at it now.

In June, I should start a Tony Award pool and steal people's money. Great idea, except the only people who would enter the pool would be tough to beat. I don't expect any novices filling out a Tony Award "bracket."

--Gay Guy

Style Watch: It's Whiskers, By a Whisker

2011-03-29T20:10:00.001-04:00

Gay Guy,

I know you think I don't shave daily because I'm a lazy wreck. True enough. But it turns out that I've got it just about right.

This is soft science for sure. But research seems to prove that having stubble, or the hint of a beard, is the sweet spot for male attractiveness. According to women, that is.

"Women are more attracted to, and more likely to develop a long or short-term relationship with, men with light beards or stubble. They also find men with full beards more aggressive and mature, but also the least attractive. Men with no facial hair were rated the second-least attractive, but also least likely romantic partners." -- Quote and pics from Pajiba

In other words... "proof that you can grow a beard is sexy -- just not necessarily having one." -- Vancouver Sun

GG, Readers, sound right? Or is there a gay take on this, too? Ladies, can you confirm or deny, based on the photos above?

Straight guys, I've drifted into full beard territory from time to time, and have the distinct feeling that my nookie aggregate may have been negatively impacted. When your significant other tells you, even jokingly, to "shave that thing," do it. Especially if that thing is your face.

--Straight Guy

It's Not the Size of the Survey That Matters, It's How You Use the Data

2011-03-28T19:31:00.004-04:00

Gay Guy,

Not sure how accurate the data is, but here's a link to an interactive map on penis size, by country.

I know you have a European holiday coming up, but remember, this is serious medical research, not an itinerary planner!

--Straight Guy

The Last Movie Star

2011-03-23T21:58:00.015-04:00

Straight Guy,

Here's my obligatory gay guy tribute to Elizabeth Taylor, who died today at age 79. Read an obit.

She had a spotty, up and down career, but for a long time she exuded beauty and sensuality straight off the movie screen and like no one else. Over ripe, yes. Messy, for sure. But watch her on screen as Maggie in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, or years --and pounds---later as the truly scary Martha in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf. Amazing.

Read a great essay on Taylor.

I try to forget that Taylor was a Michael Jackson sidekick by remembering the great work that she did raising funds and awareness for AIDS causes, especially in founding amfAR. "I will not be ignored," she remarkably said of her activism. Read the amfAR tribute.

The Wackadooes of Westboro Baptist Church are deliberating on whether to protest Taylor's funeral in their usual disgusting and not entirely logical fashion.

--Gay Guy